emotionally overwhelmed...

i'm suffering from emotional upheaval. i can honestly say that i've revolved through more emotions in the last couple of weeks than i think i EVER have in such a short period of time...i've also shed many more tears than 'normal.'

this shite sucks.

there are VERY valid reasons my family nickname is 'stoic hannah' and i'm the one who gets to drive family and friends to the airport. i'm a whirlwind of piss and vinegar when i'm angry: i burn as brilliantly as magnesium, but the spark is quickly lost...and i get the hell over 'it.' i have been known to pride myself on being more on the 'up' side o'life than the dramatic and/or wallowing in darker emotions. so, it's not too suprising that i haven't dealt well with my little internal rollercoaster. yes, yes, i do realize that's a gross understatement...and i will be eternally grateful for the patience, love, and kindness those i can truly label 'friend' have shown. [working on some thoughts about peeling back the layers of friendship and being able to believe in those that ARE true friends, so more on this train of thought forthcoming...]

the last couple of weeks have truly blown...HOWEVER (comma) the biggest reason i've been on such an overload of emotions has proven itself false and i don't have to worry about my girl going anywhere that involves rainbows and bridges, at least in the short-term.

[sidenote: who the EFF decided that animal 'heaven' would be called the "rainbow bridge"??? what a stoopid term...]

so, i've taken a deep breath. i gave her tons of hugs and kisses and treats. i stopped wallowing in thoughts that included dealing with the [potential] loss of the longest relationship i've ever had, the dog that brought me to where i am in regards to dog training and guardianship, and how on earth that void could ever become smaller, much less be filled. i DIDN'T even bother to think about the other couple of life hiccups i had - they're just dumb boys and irresponsible women who played themselves off as 'friend.'

and i even smiled a couple of times. 'til i remembered that december always seems to suck for me post-birthday...especially last year.

eff. back to emotionally overwhelmed and having to work THROUGH it this year, notsomuch play the role of ostrich with head in sand.

denial works wonderfully. until it doesn't.