A reminder to take the high road. Always.

Borrowed from PostSecret.

This is for you, Matt Plank-a-licious.

1. Fall's coming. My favoritest time of year ever. Idealistically, I prefer the imagery of a spring rebirth and blossoming, but my allergies think it sucks. So, the nesting, settling in, little more introverted autumn has become my fave.

2. T-SHIRTS AND JEANS!!! Woooooooo. I love jeans. Love them. Irrationally, but not nearly as irrationally as I love cargo pants.

3. I really do have an irrational love of cargo pants and impulse buy them regularly. And flip flops.

4. I need to get my feet did. Ted will appreciate that. And m'girl Jimenez. I love having pretty feet! What fall color should I choose?!

5. Life is awesome. Effin' awesome.

6. I'm apparently merging into creative mode again. How do I know? My Old Lady side is coming out and I'm feeling the need to crochet. Seriously, y'all it's a N-E-E-D. Sad, but terribly true...I'm a geek inside.

7. I miss writing. My Michigan Peeps don't necessarily know this about me, but in my former lives, I've been a writer of all sorts, more than just blogging. I've drifted a bit from something that I love and comes naturally, but methinks I have to get back to it.

8. There's a light at the end of the tunnel for being confined to The Dungeon. I'm retardedly excited about seeing all my stuff again. Really!

9. Now, Mr. Plank, are you happy?! I blogged - a lot! - for you. Now get me a half basket of sweets on the fly!!!! xoxox

Cassidy, I wish I could hate you.

No, not really. Not one bit, actually. But I keep thinking about your Year of Yes...and, dammit, I think I need to get back to that, too. Forgetting fear, doubt, pain, past lessons, et al and taking the leap.

"Take the leap and the net will appear."

BTW, I missyouloveyouwannasitdownonacouchanddrinktoomuchwineandtalkforhours!!! And maybe we can democratically and methodically decide which movies we're going to watch again. *sigh. The good ol' days.

*This* is going on the front of my calendar...

Sh*& - it's already September! What am I gonna do for my birthday this year?

For years, I've planned themed birthdays - burlesque, dive bar and tattoos, just a couple examples of years gone by. I didn't plan anything last year because (a), I knew hardly anyone in Michigan, and (b) I wasn't feeling super-celebrationy.

This year? All that's changed. And now I have to come up with a theme, a locale, a costume (a MUST!!!), and a date. (Take that last one however you choose. ;) I've got time!)

Thoughts? Suggestions? Opinions?

Finding (near) perfection.

I threw out my Wanted List (apartment-related, dearhearts) to the Universe...and I believe I may have gotten it.

Um, a wee bit unsettling.

Ok, not really. But I have found a gorgeous, 'grown up,' character-full, affordable apartment for myself. I'm realizing that I should have put a couple things on the Wanted List that it doesn't have (better closet space and on-site laundry), but I'd be getting a wonderful, light-filled, spacious 1 bedroom apartment, with hardwood floors (wooo!) and heat included (a big thing here in the Frozen Tundra of the Midwest).

Now I just have to figure out a way to get my clothes cleaned - free babysitting in exchange for laundry privileges? Dinner-making and wine-purchasing in exchange for a friend/family members washing machine and dryer?

It is a rather large stumbling block I'm realizing, but one I think I can overcome...

IthinkIcan, IthinkIcan, IthinkIcan.

Not looking for the next best thing...

Whew. That's a lifelong lesson with multiple applications, eh? To not be eternally looking for the proverbial Next Best Thing.

I realized - ahaaaaa! - sometime last week that I've spent the last nearly a year (!) trying to figure out where and what the next geographical/professional/personal Next Best Thing could be...when maybe, just maybe, the message being delivered was to settle into the here (Michigan) and now (appreciating the life I have here).

My second realization was that I am currently living a parallel life to the one I had in Greenville, SC. In a nutshell, I didn't really want to move there and spent the vast majority of my life attempting to escape - boyfriend in another city and we spent most of the time travelling - rather than really digging in to the wonderful city that I think Greenville is and the superfantasticawesome people that particular experience delivered into my life. Only now that I'm long gone do I truly appreciate how much that lil' city is *me* - outdoorsy, temperate, kind, true main street lifestyle with an international flavor, small enough to have a wonderful sense of community, large enough to have culture, nightlife, and personality, with a truly affordable quality of life.

I don't regret my experience and the decisions I made because they're all part of Me and I wouldn't be the Hannah I am today - blah blah blah. But I do really miss those people I collected in that experience.

So, I've decided to stay in Michigan. Commit to being here for at least another year. Find an apartment. Settle in to having my very own life again. Start truly working towards creating my professional dream world. Enjoy being near my family...and some delicious new friends I've managed to collect here, too.

Scary? TERRIFYING. Do I feel like I'm settling? Yes, in the root-growing sense...and, oddly, no, in the am-I-compromising-what-I-really-want sense.

Stay tuned...

Some of my

Bling. I love medal bling!

Oh my. So, I was casually toying with the idea of hitting Philly for the ING Distance Classic (yes, another half marathon). When I say casually, I mean, truly, casually.

And then?!

Well, I found out that I'd get not one, but TWO - T-W-O - medals if I run (and finish). And, AND, it's the last year for one of the medals, the Dynamic Duet. Um, there's no question, right? This medal whore has got to be there!!!

So, I guess I'm headin' to Philly in a month. At least it'll make up for this weekend's DNS in NYC. *sniff, sniff.

At least I'm predictible.

Was just reading over some of my posts and had to laugh. What about? Well, me being under-trained for a race.

To clarify, I did *not* run the spring half as was my intention...it was my first race back on my feet and I "only" did the 10k. However, I was pretty under-trained for that, too.

I ran my first post-cancer, post-hernia half marathon in Chicago a couple weekends ago - the Inaugural Rock'n'Roll (used to be the Chicago Distance Classic). Trained? Har. I'm too tired and it's too hot to train...yep, I'm the laziest 'athlete' out there. But I finished. In sweltering heat, no less.

So, this weekend, I'm heading to NYC to run my 4th overall half marathon. Guess what?! I'm pretty under-trained for this one, too. I've been "tapering" (and working the closing shift, getting home at 4am isn't helping my motivation).

I'll totally blame my time on the heat. For reals.

Binge & purge.

That's kinda how I feel about writing sometimes - binge and purge. Right now, I'm on a binge...but that's also 'cuz I've been on a several month purgey hiatus. It's tough to find "interesting" or worthwhile information when you're stuck on repeat in a super tiny microcosm.

But now I'm writing again...feels good. I've missed it - and y'all!

So, friends, what have you been up to?!

Psssst - I'm adding another flower to the 'Garden.' Yep, more ink. YAY!

Blatantly honest.

Time for truth telling. I've been doing something over the last few months that I would generally like to think I don't usually do: operating from a place of fear.

What if I do die too early?
What if I don't get full functionalitly back?
What if I don't find a 'real' job with health insurance?
What if I get rediagnosed with cancer? Or it metasticizes? Or I get another damned hernia?
What if I have to live in The Dungeon for another year?
What if I get stuck in Michigan for forever?
What if I'm meant TO BE in Michigan?
What if I end up single for forever?
What if I feel stuck in purgatory for even longer than forever?
Why am I not taking action-/baby steps towards my dreams?
What ARE my dreams?
Has my life changed so very much?
Why can't I get out of this rut?
Where did my reality go?
Why don't I have a social life?
How long can I get away with blaming surgery for being a wuss?

Why can't I break these patterns?

Fear.

Fine. I'm admitting it. Now I just have to do something to *change* it...

Just friends.

This reminds me of several of my bestest men friends over the decades...

Oh deary, deary me.

So, I'm coming out of my microcosm and self-centered fog...a bit. It's been a rough road of late, folks, and I'm not gonna claim that I've dealt with it well. To many, I need to apologize.

I'm sorry.

And for those of you who know me well know that I don't apologize often. Why? Well, I was raised to believe that an apology is not just an acknowledgement that your behaviour was wrong/inappropriate/hurtful, but also signifies a willingness to change said behaviour. Generally, my behaviours are set...and, chances are, they're not going to change - ergo, no apologies from me.

This time, I'm willing to change. I've been a crappy person, not the person I've wanted to be. Sure I could blame all sorts of circumstances, events, and situations, but, really, I made the choice.

Time for me to get back to being Better Hannah...public flogging ending...now.

Friday. Friday. Friday.

1. I think I've decided I do like salt in my peanut butter after all. But it does have to be crunchy. And I like raspberry jam the best.

2. My mojo's back. And I'm joyous about that!!

3. Now that my body is mostly back to functional, I really need to figure out how to get out of this holding pattern. For serious.

4. I need a social life here in MI. Anyone? Anyone?!

5. I love MI-5/Spooks...and anything spy-related and extreme.

6. Since my Mac Mail decided to go on the fritz, I've become HORRENDOUS at responding to emails...even with my CrackBerry in hand. I think I'm a victim of technology. Maybe?!

7. I think Michigan might be even more humid than NY. Maybe. Maybe might be my fave word of the mo'.

8. I start KinderMusik with the 'Dorable Newphew next week and I'm *ridiculously* excited about it!!

9. I'm really boring.

Veddy, veddy interesting.

One of my horoscopes for today:

Here is your horoscope for
Friday, June 12:

Now is a good item to make new friends and approach potential employers -- people are ready to see you in the most positive light! It all makes sense, so see if you can get closer to your dreams.

I'm choosing to believe this one!

I *love* this.

Ironic horrorscope for the day.

Odd, really, because I'm not feeling at all clear. In fact, I'm feeling doubtful and disinterested in just about everything. Well, I'd be fine getting married, not working, raising babies, and just running and working out every day. But I can't really "plan" for that, right?!

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, May 6:

It's the best time for you to think really big and make plans that go far beyond the next few days or weeks. Your sense of the big picture is clear, so don't let anyone talk you out of your plans.

Hannah's Health - latest updates...

So, stitches for the Melanoma Frankenstein-ing were taken out nearly 2 weeks ago...zonks! There's a gnarly scar that's still being held together by the super-handy steristrips so it can continue to heal and I can (kinda) have full use of my arm. Kinda toying with the idea of getting a 'thank you for finding it early' celebratory tattoo around the scar...kinda.

On the other hand, healing from surgery to repair my indirect inguinal hernia has been much slower going and infinitely more painful than expected. There have been all sorts of HOLY SHIZZLE moments that some of y'all know about. There have also been some NOBODY WARNED ME THIS WOULD HAPPEN moments that only my Mom and Dearest Sis know about (which really means that my dad and Baby Daddy know, too. Egad!) - ok, and the late night Docs on the 24-hour emergency line. I'm a huge sharer and thrive on TMI, but there are some things you don't want to know. Trust me.

I've been mostly horizontal for 11 days now and it's wearing thin. I've been less than mobile, bored shitless, and in nearly constant pain for a month as of today...and I'm readyreadyready for it all to be over. No concentration ability, so books have been a no-go, TV is crap...and there are NO good movies On Demand. Add that my Netflix took a gazillion years to be returned and sent out this time, ARGH!!!! Really.

I'm lusting after anyone who is able to run. Or workout. Or even walk their dogs, type without discomfort, sneeze without fiery pain in their lower abdomen, and eat spicy foods again. And NOT take narcotics that don't really eliminate pain. Oh, and I'd really, really, really love to sleep in stretches longer than 4 hours - I'm F*&^ING EXHAUSTED!!!!!!! (Just not tired.)

So that's me. What about you? Lemme live vicariously...

Mmmm...blue collar laborers!

Anyone else catch the latest issue of Outside Magazine (May issue not yet online)? The one with sassy, sexy Mike Rowe on the cover? The article was, not surprisingly, well-written and filled with pithiness extraordinaire from the fabu Mr. Rowe.

Apparently, his latest endeavor is to create a website essentially connecting us (the general public; some employed, some not) to the world of physical labor in a humorous, eye-opening way, with a particular focus on "why unemployment is rising while the trades can't find enough workers...How is it that people don't want work that pays $50 an hour and keeps them happy all day long?"

I've always enjoyed tinkering with my hands - making things, restoring furniture, DIY projects, power tools - but the Blue Collar Hannah was truly discovered several years ago, the first time I stepped on a large-scale event's production lot. Pallet jacks, shrink wrap, 24' trucks, city permits, barricades, delineators, forklifts...ah!!!!! My new loves!

So, you can bet that I'll be watching Mike's new site, (get the pun? Mike Rowe works = micro works) for his updates. Oh yeah, his plan is to include links to actual jobs, too. Nifty, no?!

Ain't this the truth!

Today's horrorscope:

Your spiritual life needs to take a break for the time being -- you've got way more going on in the real world than you can handle all at once! Prioritize and take care of the most important tasks right away.

Ha! It's just about all I can do to get through tonight (work til midnight-ish) and wake up tomorrow for - whoo hoo - surgery. Really. Feeling a little overwhelmed and just want to keep my head above water. Double really.

My body feels like it's being wrung through the ringer on those old-fashioned washing machines. Beat up and thrown out...I hurt. And I'm tired of it. Hopefully the next week of downtime (read as: slovenly laziness and weight gain) post-surgery #3 will really, truly get me back on track.

I want my life back, please.