Holy crap...I hate it when I can't sleep!!

Yep. Woke up randomly in the middle of the night. Started out as one of those "I'm just rolling over" things, but has turned into a fully-fledged freak out. I was laying here thinking about all manner of really fun, peaceful night-time thoughts like: the logistics of leaving, when to rent a truck, will all my s&*% fit into a 16' truck like I hope/expect/need...you know, the easy things.

So, I decided I'd make myself feel better and actually price things out/quasi-plan rather than pontificate at 4:30am on Sunday morning. Well, eff me if it isn't going to cost a LOT to head to Michigan to go squat at my mom's house. $700 for the "privilege" of driving all my stuff cross-country by myself!!!!!!!! I figured it'd be expensive, but CRAP! Factor in some gas...whoa nelly.

And then, to make it, ya know, BETTER, I decided to look at actual driving dates. Well, it'll have to be mid-week the last week in September. Which, for some reason, FREAKS ME OUT even though it should all be expected. But no...I continue to freak out.

Fun. At not even 6:00am. Anyone have a AAA code I can use???

The Best Revenge.

Normally, I don't buy into the idea of revenge...never have, don't often now. I really do believe it's a waste of time and that, by hook or by crook, karma will getcha worse than I ever could.

So, why would I bring up revenge now, one could ponder. Well, because I am (sounds like: "because I said so," a la all our moms). I learned a really crappy lesson last night. One that - stupid hindsight - isn't really unexpected and is par for the effed up course as it pertains to this particular scenario.

No, I don't want to fully explain or, really, talk about it. Maybe tomorrow, but right now, I'm too raw and pissed off (mostly at myself) and hurt and livid. Many of y'all haven't ever seen me lose my temper. True, I get pissy-tacular a whole lot, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've truly gone apeshit. I'm pretty there right now...just nothing to do with it.

My revenge? Well, that's where I'll redirect all this anger. And what'll it be? To live a whole, happy life that's full of love. And I'll get ridiculously skinny in the process because all I want to do is run, kick and punch a bag, and lift weights furiously. I'm learning, today, that extreme anger motivates me to work out.

...by tomorrow, in all honesty, I'll probably be back to much more Sane Hannah. But right now, I'm not.

Clue: My Friskyscope as posted from earlier this week was dead on...read the 'sucky' part. Those who may be in the know, well, let's just say there I ran into the only person in NY I always see and really don't want to. No, that's not the part that makes me angry.

Friskyscope is SPOT ON!!!

This week's Friskyscope for me:

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Career recognition will be at an all time high. Friendship satisfaction? Another high scorer. Love life? Less than stellar and not looking like it’s got any life coming to revive its dismal circumstances. Sure, that might be a sucky attitude to have, but this week, being a realist will save you much time and energy that you otherwise would have forced yourself to expend.

At least I know my priorities where already in alignment. Yep, "sucky" is an understatement...but, well, uh, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, right?!

I have the BEST friends. The B-E-S-T. My "Be Fri" friends...

(Just ask me. You know you wanna. "Be Fri"???)

One of the things I've been truly lucky to collect over the years is amazing - a-m-a-z-i-n-g - friends. Granted, I should amend that to "since I've been an adult"...but who's counting, right?

In my teens, the ones who stayed in touch became my Best Friends simply because we stayed in touch. And, truly, friends of "historical" context are wonderful...because they have the history. (Or is that "terrifying" and not "wonderful"??) Unfortunately, that's something I'm figuring out much later in life only because I've only stayed in touch with folks from high school on. But they ARE wonderful!!

In my 20s, I stumbled upon the most fantastic group of friends. The stories. The adventures. The fights, the make-ups, the horror, the happiness...part of being in your 20s and figuring it all out, right??? God bless 'em for forgiving me and letting me back into their lives. (No, I wasn't the nicest back then...my world was very (read: VERY) black and white...I haven't softened completely, but I've softened a LOT compared to then.)

In my 30s, I'm getting to know myself, really know myself. (Hey, my 30s aren't even half over yet! I'm workin' on it!!!) Getting to know yourself provides you with a wonderful - THE most wonderful - group of friends. I can quite honestly say that the friends I have now will be friends of mine for forever. They'll become the newest, improved-upon "historical" friends. And, yes, they're making NY a very difficult place to leave simply because they're here.

[NOTE: Interestingly, a high school "historical" friend can be included in the Now friends circle. What does "historical" squared mean???]

So, Peggy, Whitney, Alison, Lydia P., Kelly, Greer, Alice, Elynn, Stephanie B., Roooooooooney, Reeny, Christine K., Karen, Nancy, Shaina, Evelyn, vanO, Cass, Terri, Jen S., Renee...and my "token" men: Lincoln, Morgan, Volpe, Decker, Ken, MJ, Ted, and, yes, even Crawford & Lucas. J - you're in your own category altogether. You're not all here, physically, in NYC for my "NY years," but I will always associate our friendships with me being in NY. You've all had stiff competition from my friends "back in the day"...but let's just call this your official shout out. And then you can hug me awkwardly and pat me on the back when I start to cry whenever I see you next, m'kay???

I haven't always loved the lessons I've learned. And you certainly haven't loved me every moment of our friendship - and vice versa. But, Gawd, have you all played a super, duper, wonderful, ass-kickin', kick ass role in my life. Thank you.

No. Really. (Like Ev & I would do - REALLY? Really. Really!) Thank you. Thank. You.

P.S. "Stiff competition" includes, but is by no means limited to: Jammin' J, Amy B., Tall Beth, Short Beth, Michele (where's the cellulite?) S., Oy-yay Oy-yay, Zeiggy, Kat, Wendy K., Gooooot, Amanda Sue, Missy, Mary H., NeNa, Chele, Cindy R., the Furry Redhead, Kevin B., and ALL of the Hammers (but, really, Al - you rocked my world!).

P.P.S. If we're going old, old, OLD school, then "stiff competition" would be Greer (again), Carla, Sammy, Trish, Zaborowska, Miki...TASIS, Izmir, and Greenhills - all y'all made me just as nutty as a girl could possibly be and I LOVE having you as a part of my life. (I CAN blame it on you, right???)

P.P.P.S. The oldest school I can get is Harriet, Margaret S., Sasha used-to-be-C., Mom, Dad, and Jingles. I guess it's you kids that I should really credit with how wonderfully I've turned out, huh? ;)

Lookit what I found...

I found SO many treasures today, but one of them was this poem. And, yes, it resonated.

Imagine a Woman

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman.
Awoman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who trusts and respects herself.
A woman who listens to her needs and desires.
Who meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who acknowledges the past's influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.
Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and wisest voice.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates her body's rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her life energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

Pretty cool, huh?

Holy got my butt kicked yesterday!!!

And I'm so not kidding. I went to a random Total Body Conditioning class at the gym yesterday. I thought I'd been to this club and this time slot before, but, um, no. I was wrong. Way wrong.

She looked nice enough. Young and, yes, I may have assumed that youth = inexperience.

Wrong. Way wrong.

Holy butt-kicking workout. TBC is usually a pretty good overall workout - everything gets targeted at least a little bit. This class hit all muscle groups a LOT. It was much more like a personal training session at warp speed. She threw in functional training with kettle bell-like moves with 'traditional' free weight stuff.

The one that got me the most was a move that I can't even begin to describe other than it hurt. Which, yes, means it works. But, boy, did I find my abs. And my butt. And my back. And my shoulders. And my obliques.

One would assume I'd not want to go back...instead, when's the next one? ;)

52 card pick up.

It occurred to me this morning that my life, right now, resembles a game of 52 card pick up. Remember that game? How you toss THE ENTIRE DECK OF CARDS into the air and see where they land. Unfortunately, the sap that's tossing is me. Even more unfortunate is that the sap that gets to pick up - and live with - the pieces is also me.

It's gonna be a bit of a wild ride for the next few months. Have some gut feelings about certain things happening, but really? I have no control...and I kinda like it. Freaks me the eff out, but I like it.

Really.

Trimming the fat...

is difficult. But terribly necessary sometimes. I have 'things' I'm trimming - the stuff in my house, clothes, books...and a person here and there. Interesting how that happens, eh? How when you start to trim the 'stuff' that's not healthy for you, the Universe rewards you with healthy things, people, and places?

I get it logically. It's just more difficult to take action sometimes. I've had a few experiences of late, though, where it became really, REALLY, R-E-A-L-LY! easy to make that decision and take those actions.

Here's to me gettin' all healthy-like!

Running, running, and more running!

Yep, there are more half marathons on the schedule! If I'm still around, I plan on doing Grete's Great Gallop on October 4th (or 5th)...and saying hello for the last (local) time to my Avon Walk peeps at Closing Ceremonies.

If I do end up hanging out in Michigan for any length of time whilst job searching, then I'll do the Detroit Free Press Half Marathon, too. Just for fun and to give me something non-jobsearch-related to do!

A bunch of us are already registered for the Las Vegas Half Marathon in December. Talk about an awesome birthday road trip, right??? And - AND - there's a 'Showgirls' division!!! No, not for showgirls who want to run...but for folks who want to run dressed up as a Showgirl. How AWESOME!!!! Soooooooo gonna wear a costume!!! If nothing else, it's a guaran-damn-tee that I'll train my heiney off. There's nothing like the fear of exposed, jiggling body fat to get me running and to the gym.

And then we're on to next year...Gasparilla!!!! Everything's pirate-themed. I might even lie and say that it's my first Half Marathon just so they'll ring the Maiden Voyage bell for me and get my medal from a PIRATE!!!!

And, yes, I might even do ING Miami. Seriously.

The reason for all this running? Well, besides keeping me skinny and traveling again, check out Half2run.com...a half marathon in half the states! That's the goal!!!

I'm a huge fan!

Of the stink'n'drink! Takes me back to my old AWBC days when we'd be on the lot 'til FOREVER, come back to the hotel, and hit the bar. There's something powerfully (stinky) bonding about a bunch of event wack-a-doos sitting in a bar throwing 'em back.

Then people started to shower before coming back to the bar...bad, bad, bad!!! If I ever went up to my hotel room, there's no way I'm comin' back down.

I miss the good ol' days!

I can't believe Patrick Swayze is dying.

As I (re)watch Dirty Dancing for the gazillionth time, with Patrick Swayze lookin' smokin' hot and sexy and groovy, I can't believe he's dying. Yeah, yeah, I know that life AND death both happen, but seriously!??!?!

Johnny's gonna be gone? No invading my dance space? No sexy dancing with Baby...or bringing her out of the corner?

Sad, sad day 'twill be when he passes...

holy crap...

I know I'm awesome. My mom raised me to think so...she's ended nearly every conversation with me - ever! - by saying "you're the best!" But, um, wow. She just rewrote my (already pretty kick ass) resume...and I sound AMAZING. a-MAAAAAAAAAAA-zing. AMAZING.

Yes, I could go on ad nauseum. But 'amazing' pretty much covers it.

Moms rock. For SO many reasons. Appreciate yours. Now.

Amendment to change being good...(see below)

The only thing I DON'T like about change is the starting over with friends. Ok, so I'll walk into a new job and meet people. I'll volunteer or meet people through dog-related activities. Or maybe a running group or something. But I have such a wonderful, amazing, diverse range of friends here...I just wish I could bottle 'em up and take 'em with.

Yes, yes, I have fan-tab-u-lous friends all over the place. And, no, I haven't lost contact with many, many of them. Being in my nearly mid-30s, though, I'm sick of making new friends in new places. I've done it all my life.

So, who wants to move with me?? ;) Or I guess I could move where I already know peeps, huh?

change really is good...

Yes, so after a couple days of adjusting to a new, tighter deadline than expected, I'm ok. Most of my HOLY EFF reaction was much more because I hate being told what to do. ;) I'm just so not good at following other people's timelines. (And here I am going BACK to the working world? Oy vey!)

A little nervous, definitely some fear cropping up, but overall I'm really quite excited for a new adventure. Nothing like getting what you asked for, right? I can quite honestly say I have no idea where I'll end up. Or, really, what I'll be doing. I have ideas as to both - the what and the where, but who knows in the end?

So, I bought the space bags to start packing clothes. I'm starting the book and clothing purge on Thursday (I was blessed with a random day off!). My mom and I are working on my resume this morning so I can start sending it out to people fully updated and snazzified!

Mom was even rather receptive when I, somewhat tentatively, broached the subject of the dogs and I crashing with her in Michigan if, for some reason, the Magic Job doesn't materialize by September.

Options...there are always options!

90 days. or 3 months?

Why is it that saying "90 days" out loud gives me a feeling I can only akin to a heart attack? But that "3 months" doesn't reduce me to automatic panic? They're the same, right???

Well, this weekend, my landlord made me aware that I have 90 days, or 3 months, to be out of my apartment unless I want to sign a new, year-long lease. Nothing says, "Hannah your life is changing" quite like news like that, eh?

And, yeah, he sent me a text on July 4th. Happy freakin' Independence from life as you know it, eh?

So. Now. I guess I need a job and to move. Shite.

Musings.

1. I've never understood why FedEx and UPS trucks get tickets for double parking in NYC (and maybe other places, too). I mean, seriously??? There's no parking for normal vehicular traffic, so does anyone really expect FedEx/UPS to find a 'real' spot...especially when they're just going to be there for a handful of minutes?! I just scratch my head whenever I see a traffic cop ticketing a delivery vehicle...

2. I know it's rude to mention, but there are certain people whose mommas definitely did NOT raise 'em right. And there are some people you see just perpetuating the circle of unhealthy eating leading to a superbly unhealthy physical condition. For instance (you thought I wouldn't have an example??), the fat man - and I do mean F-A-T, not just pleasantly plump, I saw the other day who was slurping - SLUUUUUUUUUUURPING - every morsel possible off his double order of wings. I've never heard anyone make that noise before and it was, perhaps, one of the unsexiest things ever. Ever. So, how exactly is this an example of poor upbringing? Maybe it's the British in me, but we were not allowed to make noises like that at the dinner table...much less in public.

3. I hate meetings that don't start on time. Particularly meetings where the leaders are operating on the assumption people will be late, so you're told that the start time is 15 minutes before the actual start time. Not starting for a full half an hour after the REAL start time is just rude. Rude. Especially when I have a meeting with a McGinley to have an adult beverage. I mean, come on!

4. I'm gonna try and run 100 miles in the month of July. Why? Why not? I need to gather a bunch of base miles while I'm figuring out what my next half marathon will be, for starters. I also need a challenge to keep me motivated. But I might sweat to death. It is July. In New York. Am I an idiot?

5. I have a crush. And I'm not tellin' who he is!

6. Half2run.com. Check it out. Join Gaff, A-dawg, and me on our quest. I've got one down; 24 to go!!!

7. I'm moving. Not sure when. Or where. Or what I'll be doing. But I'm moving.

8. I slept with all 3 of our household canine companions last night. What started out as an adorable pile o'puppies, with a nicely carved spot pour moi, did NOT end up the same this morning. This time, it wasn't my 'kids' taking up all the room; Hershel-icious is a big ol' bed hog!!!! Luckily he's cute and a super snuggler...

9. Thunderstorms are sexy. SO sexy. And we've had a lot of 'em lately! My mind is perma-in-the-gutter. It's so tough being a woman in your 30s. ;)

Times they are a changing...

I can always tell when I'm leaving a more dormant, insular period of my life and heading into a whole lotta new. How? Well, it's kinda like watching a puppy grow...they start to sleep a whole lot, eat a TON, and their joints get super swollen and huge. Then - WHOOOSH - you've got a whole lot more dog than you did a week ago.

No, I'm not eating myself outta house and home. Nor am I sleeping too much (just sleeping well). My joints do hurt a bit, but that's because of all the running. What IS happening is that I want to write.

Most of y'all know that I like to write and have probably been the recipient of one - or too many! - of my 'newsletters.' Well, when I'm feeling more cocoon-y than butterfly, I tend to not write. I hibernate. And now? Notsomuch the hibernating...I've had all kinds of things that I want to say at my fingertips. Yes, some of what I want to say is more blog-appropriate soundbites, but there has been some truly creative writing as well. Delicious!

Alaska? Being in the middle of nowhere? Doing some traveling? Feeling better about the Winter Squish starting to disappear? Energized because I'm (literally) creating movement in my life? Let's go with all of the above...

Cool company, cooler behind-the-scenes...

So, from time to time, I stumble upon something I really think is cool. Browsing through some (seriously) old mail this weekend, I got to the Horny Toad - it's clothing, pervs!, catalog. Horny Toad and Patagonia catalogs are like novellas to me...I thoroughly enjoy reading them as much as I love the clothing. I'm a gear dork, I know.

Horny Toad has taken an interesting, offbeat, and not nearly common enough approach to warehousing and shipping. According to the catalog:

"Years ago, Horny Toad partnered with Search Developmental Center, a non-profit life-skills training group in Chicago that helps to change the lives of adults who have developmental disabilities. The partnership first gave rise to Planet Access Company (PAC), which provides training and work opportunities to this overlooked and underestimated population. Millions of Horny Toad items have been picked, packed, and shipped with unmatched reliability and enthusiasm by the PAC work crew - cool huh?"

Cool is an understatement. In a world where so much of our daily lives is imported from third world countries, it's fanTAStic to learn of U.S. companies who are more than simply conscientious, but taking a BIG (and more costly, presumably) step towards keeping their operations national if not local. Rock the eff on Horny Toad!!!

And - AND!! - Horny Toad + grant $$ + Search for Adventure = a reward vacation for the PAC Crew...with lucky Horny Toaders (employees, duh) getting to tag along. Win, win, win.

Read more here. And don't forget to buy Horny Toad!!!

PS Outside magazine calls the Horny Toad one of its best places to work in 2008!

I'm an auntie!

'Tis true! My sis (finally) had her lil' boy. 2:22 on a Friday afternoon, at 6 lbs 12 oz and 21 inches, Mr. Callum Long made his grand entrance. Coinky-dink that he was born at the same time of day on a Friday like I was? Hmmm...

NOTE: Of course there's back story...ask if you're interested. Maybe I'll spill the veddy, veddy interesting details. ;)

Daniel. And Mount McKinley.

The tone for my Alaska experience was set yesterday. If I can just keep this feeling ever-present for the entire trip, then I will have a wonderful, opening, life-changing experience.

I was working out at the Telectroscope yesterday as I have been on/off for the last month or so. It was another beastly hot day and our crap tanlines (think farmer's tan, but worse) just kept getting worse. 'Twas the end of my shift and, I can't lie, I was counting down the minutes. I was also trying - and failing - not to melt in the heat because I had to get to our pre-Alaska Team in Training meeting.

Across from the Telectrscope, on Pier 1 in Brooklyn Heights, there was a production crew setting up a stage and sound system to shoot a pre-recorded July 4th show - go Kenny Chesney! All day, the guys had been taking turns to wander over, trying to figure out what this Victorian-looking contraption was. As we're wont to do, we explained the story, blah blah blah - we're all people-persons, but, DUDE, we'd been there a month and there are only so many times you can schpiel it up!!

*pause.

Back story - so, I'd just finished telling a couple of the girls that I worked with about my preference for tall, strapping, good-lookin', broad-shouldered men who ooze charisma. Throw in a shaved head, a big nose, and some tattoos (all optional, never required)...well, this kitten purrs.

*unpause.

So, what walks up? Tall, strapping, charismatic man with deliciously broad shoulders. Sure he had hair (bald is NOT a requirement, Laila! I've dated men with hair!!), but he was definitely a man who commanded attention. Yum! Yes, I started schpieling...and (mildly) flirting. Ok. Fine. There wasn't mild flirting. I was full-on shakin' my tail feathers and batting my eyelashes. I can't help it!

He introduced himself (Daniel) and asked if I'd be around the following week, as the crew would be back for another shoot. I told him the Telectroscope project would be closing before then, but that I'd be in Alaska anywhoooo.

"Alaska? What's taking you there?" asked Mr. Strapping.

I gave my half marathon and Team in Training schpiel...and didn't fail to mention that I love the wildness of the Last Frontier. (Can't you just see the tail feathers shakin'??)

He, too, loves Alaska. And went there years ago for his own Last Frontier adventure and to spread his mother's grave dirt at the top of McKinley. He summited (19 days up, 3 to get down) and took a - small - souvenir home, a silver dollar-sized piece of rock. He finished his story by taking out the rock, saying that he'd been carrying it in his pocket every day for 17 years, and can't imagine not having it. I can imagine it's more like a worry stone now...something tangible and grounding.

Unfortunately, he had to get back to work, so my tail feathers put themselves back in their proper place, we shook hands, and he walked off. I changed out of my staff shirt, grabbed my bag, and was in the middle of saying goodbye to the girls when...

Yep, he came back. He stood there with Tori, Laila, and I, pulled out the rock and said, "I haven't ever done this. I want to give you some of the rock...I want you take me on your journey." And he broke the rock into two pieces, giving me one.

Big, strapping man with heart...and he teared up, too. And he was indeed with me in Alaska.

Defining moment. Will I ever see him again? I don't know. We didn't exchange information and I have no clue how to find him. If we're meant to cross paths again, then we will...the Universe is wonderfully sneaky like that. If not, then I hope he knows that he made a long-, long-lasting impression on this woman. And, no, not just because he was a hunka hunka burnin' man...there was so much more to that moment.

Thank you, Daniel. Thank you for running with me.

It's time to move on...what lies ahead I have no way of knowing!

Just like Tom Petty sings, it's time to get goin'! Yep, stay tuned for the deets, but I've realized that it's high time to get myself outta NYC. I know more what I want to be doing than where I want to do it...isn't that just SO typical of me?

The grass is growin'...

And, yes, I realize that has a whole lot to do with an approaching milestone: I've yet to live anywhere - in my entire life - longer than 5 years and 10 months. I start to get itchy at just about the 4 1/2 year mark and REALLY start to plan a move around 5 years. So, while NYC has been a wonderful growth experience on every level, I'm scoping a new adventure!

Is it really February already?

1. The Universe works in mysterious ways - it's been a rotten week and a wonderful one all at the same time. And it *all* has to do with my sense of self: when it's strong, I'm all powerful. It's been a good week in that sense...it just hurt a lot more than I ever thought it would.

2. I get a truly perverse sense of enjoyment when I see someone who hasn't cut the threads out of the back vent of their new winter coat. It makes me smile...even though I know it's not truly a kind thought that's passing.

3. I have FANTASTIC friends. In every way. EVERY way. My support system is more amazing than even I knew...my friends never cease to amaze - and humble - me.

4. I've got some seriously awesome travel and potential travel plans coming up...to parts of the country I've never been but always wanted to explore.

5. Winter sucks for training for a half marathon. Especially freezing rain.

6. Ever feel like you're on the brink? Teetering on the edge of wonderful? That's where I am right now. I've got some cool projects coming down the line, some renewed fitness goals, and - finally - something to get excited about.

7. I'm gonna fall in love this year. I just know it.

8. I've stumbled across a whole helluva lot of people from days gone by. It's been wonderful reconnecting...and it's been interesting to explore the feelings and memories that arise after all these connections. And looking at pictures of me when I was 15? Sadly, I don't look any different. Especially now that my hair's long again.

9. Life is fucking awesome. My attitude of gratitude is out of control. Yeah, I've had some shitty conversations and experiences this week, but they've been replaced by really, truly fanTAStic opportunities. So, what wins? Gratitude. I'm letting the rest go...even if it means silence.

Some days...

I have moments some days where I want to reconnect with people. Not the people who you simply lose touch with over the course of, well, life...those people that you have a 'thing' with. The 'thing' could be a superb fight with a friend, a breakup that you're not sure if the other person really gets that it was a breakup, or the like.

Some days.

And then I remember that neither party will be in the same place. We're both different people. The memories are just that - memories. And that makes me a little sad. Sad, but I still realize that there's space for new...and new is rarely bad. In fact, in my life, new effin' rocks.

For the first time in a while, my life feels 'new.' My two words for 2008 were, in fact, "re-engage" and "new." As much as I loathe him as an actor, my life actually feels a little like the Jim Carey movie that's coming out soon: Yes. it's about a man who says "YES" to everything that comes along...for an entire year. Talk about growth!

Well, I'm saying yes. It's not always comfortable. And some of my "yeses" I'm doing the legwork for to create the opportunity...but I'm still saying yes. And I sure did get re-engaged.

I could get all Oprah and throw in a token "Best Year Ever"...but, well, even I don't wanna get that cheesy. Let's just say that welcoming new is welcome!

Your new?

Snippets; they're just snippets!

1. every girl really wants a colin firth type - he's the 'real' one in Love Actually, or the best, BEST Mr. Darcy ever. we don't really want Hugh Grant or a rockstar...just a man who admits he loves us; really loves us.

2. guacamole is the best Thanksgiving meal ever!

3. the more i get to escape to the country, the more i'm reminded i'm not such a city gal.

4. bordeaux is gooooooooooood!

5. early birthday presents that come in tantalizing forms are rather delicious. just sayin'....

6. i had a wood-burning fireplace, a full wine cellar, a real (seriously!) sheepskin rug, and a country house...all to myself this weekend. and i really did enjoy it - just ask the dogs! but i did think about enjoying it with, ahem, some adult comp'ny. naughty gal am i!!

7. i agree with jimmy: pit bulls are terrifying. particularly when they're curled up on your lap because they're barely a year old and can't keep they're eyes open because they recently discovered that the woods (and not the ci-tay) are fuuuuuuuuuuuun. if they're snoring, that's just an added extra. pit bullies are so scary. seriously. millie couldn't bite me if she tried....

8. i like being good at what i do. i love doing what i'm really good at doing.

9. pictures are worth a thousand words...and that's a tale that'll tell itself.

PS It's only 12 days until my birthday! Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

My brain feels taxed.

so, i'm back to thought snippets vs. actual full-blown THOUGHTS!

1. The marathon's ovah. I can be home - my own! - more and my dogs will start to recognize me again.

2. Fergie's "Big Girl's Don't Cry" is a guilty listening pleasure of mine.

3. It's Netflix season again, aka winter. Now I just need to find a nesting partner.

4. Mercury is SERIOUSLY in retrograde and digging up some old acquaintances...I ran into (punny, no?) a friend I haven't seen in 7 years at the Marathon. And I've discovered another couple in some random ways, too.

5. I got the BEST hug during the Marathon from a lovely, dark-haired, TAAAAAALL man. And by best hug, I mean better than someone's who's been holding the Best Hugger title for a long, long time now. BEST hug. Delish. Stay tuned to see if anything happens.

6. I love working events. Love it. But they work so much better, not to mention easier, when it's an all-hands-on-deck situation and SOMEone has a big picture view of what the eff's going on. Just sayin'... HUGE shout out to those ladies that learned me well back in the day!! I'm ever so grateful for you!!!

7. Having long hair rocks, but it sure does get tangled easily. (wow, that thought snippet was brilliant!)

8. I think I'm finally caught up on sleep. I'm catching up on my laundry...and I'm even putting it away!

9. I like to end on "9" for some reason, but I'm sheer outta thoughts. Sad.

Random mind ramblings...

1. I just had a flashback to the time that I walked a 10K for an anti-juvenile diabetes organization. At the end, they gave out goody bags and in said goody bags, there was a cookie. I took a bite of this cookie, scrunched up my face, and said, "Wow. Tastes like they forgot the sugar." Yep. Sure did. I'm a blonde sometimes. (If you don't get it, reread. If you still don't get it, you're a blonde, too)

2. It's very weird to find out what friends of years gone by are up to these days. Odd to feel totally disconnected and peek into their lives - slightly voyeuristic. The other situation I've stumbled into is reconnecting with people from another life of mine...and that's even more strange feeling!

3. My mind doesn't want to work today.

4. I'm going cowboy boot shopping.

5. I've been sleeping with a hot blonde all week. And he's one of the less bed-hoggy partners I've had in a while. It just sucks when he wakes me up before 6am on a weekend morning with a whopping "WOOF!" What? You thought I'd tell you about my sex life? Puh-leeez... ;)

6. I think headlamps are sexy! And, yes, I WILL be wearing mine at ass crack o'dawn Sunday...beware the sex appeal of a woman in a headlamp.

7. I love Bon Jovi.

8. I am really appreciative of what I have in life. I have great friends - I REEEEEEEEEEALLY do. I have wonderful clients. I'm offered some amazing opportunities. And the whole package reminds me to have an 'attitude of gratitude.'

9. Life is Good is opening a store in The 'Boke...that might make me broke. :) But at least the dogs and I will get loads of exercise hoofin' it down there!

10. I found the bridesmaid dress that my bridesmaids will wear for the wedding I'll have after the bachelorette wine-drinking marathon in Bordeaux. Manifesting! :p

11. I've been having a lot of random memories that include friends that I'm not friends with anymore. Like, really, not friends, don't want them in my life anymore kind of not friends. I don't regret the space or the distance or the loss...but memories are surfacing. What does that mean.

12. Oh, yeah. Mercury's effin' in retrograde... (see all the above)

That blasted thing called family!

So...family. I have an interesting mix of wonderful and hideous 'parts' of my family - maternal and paternal. No, I don't think I stand alone; I think most families are just as wild and weird as mine...I can simply speak to my experience. Difficult to understand, deal with, but yet you typically love them regardless even if you didn't get to 'choose' them per se. (Reincarnation is a whole different tangent.)

Some parts of family you love more than others. Sometimes there are snippets that are too awful too remember...and sometimes there are parts too precious to forget. And sometimes a gal gets sideswiped and hit by a mack truck of emotion at an entirely random moment by a memory that wasn't even what one would call a 'memory'...it was more of an emotional anchor.

As much as I'm an integral part of my family, I've been an outsider for most of my adult life...showing up here and there, but mostly for the happy (weddings) and hideous (memorial services) times that create spontaneous family reunions. I see snapshots from family gatherings that I missed - some impromptu, some planned, one because of a blackout - and I run the emotional gamut. Part of my very being vibrates with the sadness of not being included...but I also recognize that that's all part of the path I chose to take years ago. And I know that changing any of those choices would have made me a very different woman - and, yes, that's another tale for another time...

A few years ago, I was blessed to be a part of the final days of my aunt, Dani, my mom's oldest sister. No death is particularly pleasant, but hers was truly unjust...yet she maintained her spirit til the end - I'll never forget when I asked if there was anything she wanted and she asked for a gin and tonic. I had to laugh because I was expecting "water" or "pain meds".

Fast forward to just the other day...and the iPod Gods. Shortly after I came back from the week I spent at hospice I downloaded the Anne Murray's greatest hits CD; Dani wanted to listen to it non-stop and I now knew all the words that i hadn't before (sadly, I'm cheesy enough where I already knew more than I'd expected!) So, I was sitting on the bus and, even though I've listened to the songs a bazillion times in the last few years, 'Snowbird' came on and I started crying. Automatically. No thought. The anchor was Dani...hospice...family...and I thought of all the good in her - her determination to get her driver's license, how she kept working knowing something 'bad' was happening to her, her conviction to keep our family connected after Grandma died, her seriously soft skin, her wonderful laugh, the way she'd sit next to you and just stroke your hand or your arm or your hair.

And I gave myself permission to miss her. I guess I hadn't done that yet...too determined to keep moving forward, typical of 'Stoic Hannah'! And miss her I do. In a way, not going 'home' to Michigan allows me to (yes, rather warped) believe that nothing's changed:

Grandpa's still tickling Grandma's toes as she's flirting with everyone and they dance in the kitchen smiling at each other. Uncle Dave's still got a horse farm and a Great Dane named Sadie with pigs in the sties. Jingles, Duh-lee, and I are still torturing poor baby Cole while falling for all Uncle Dave's pranks. Grandpa's still making fuzzy navels in the kitchen with the hideous carpet. The cardinals still land on the birdhouse outside the old dining room. Family still gathers on the breezeway...where Grandpa alternates between smoking a pipe and a cigar. Aunt Dani still tapes her hundreds of Shows (aka soaps) every week. The Girls still aren't allowed to watch MTV, so we play hours upon hours of Atari and solitaire and read Xaviera. The towels still smell musty. There's always something to eat - let's raid the basement! - and we'll forever be haunted by the Ghost of the Christmas Lamb. So many memories...

Sadly, I don't have a digital picture of Dani when she was alive and radiant...and there's no way I'll post any of the pictures from hospice - not only would my mother literally KILL me, but they're just too special and they make me feel damned raw.

As much as I've been a separatist, family is very, very, very important to me. I'm not always the best at letting them know they're special to me, but they are.

I *love* horrorscopes!

So, as I was mildly obsessing about kissing yesterday, my horoscope sitting in my inbox was this:

Now is the perfect time to spruce up your love life. Even if you've been partnered up for years now, your good energy is just right for rekindling that spark you both remember. If you're single, you won't be for long!

And...YAY! How fun is that?

As an aside - yesterday was simply an affirmation that things are indeed going the way the should AND I want them to. It's such a blessing to be granted a small kindness like that!

Makin' out like high schoolers...

So, as I sat in a park today and watched a man devour his female companion with kisses, it occurred to me:

I'm ready to date again.

Those that are 'in the know' know that there was someone and then a self-imposed hiatus while I got my "stuff" together. Well, apparently, said "stuff" IS together - 'cuz I'm ready to re-enter the dating pool. No, not in the way that I have dated - mom, stop reading now! - but in a more grown up way...as in, well, um, I'm less DEtached. Don't read that as I need to be ATtached to someone immediately. It simply means that I'm more available, less walls.

So, what do I want? For starters, some serious make out sessions. Serious. With the fervor that we all had in high school, but the knowledge and skill - heh - that I've gained along the way. And, yes, I may have had an opportunity or two along the way.

I want teasing and tantalizing. (Lots of it) Kisses and groping. (LOTS of it) I want to hit every single base, with major league emphasis on the first 3 so that said 'teasing and tantalizing' is seeeeeeeeriously drawn out. Naughtiness galore!

I want to go skinny dipping with a man I have every intention of devouring...and, oh yes, of being devoured. I want to sit in a park and have a man shower me with kisses all over those neck-related sweet spots. I would love to practice the art of lapdancing. And maybe striptease. And I could never forget the burlesque skills I've learned along the way - bump, grind, shimmy, shake, strut, and, oh yes, PRUH-SENT.

Yep. That's the gist of what I'd like. The specifics can be discussed in-person. If you have any ideas, lemme know. Not just what activities could be undertaken, but of, well, anyone who might be a willing and able-bodied partner in crime...at least willing to apply and be interviewed.

Let the games begin!

Two minutes and forty-nine seconds of what I'm thinking right now!

Again, with the iPod Gawds...shuffle brought me to Tom Petty's "Feel a Whole Lot Better" and it tooooooootally reminded me that I'm ok with a whole lotta of everything going on right now, but - BUT - it's directly applicable to making some healthy choices in the last week or so.

Thank you iPod Gawds & Mr, Petty!!

PS I always think of the concert Theisen, his buds, and I went to in Hotlanta to see Mr. Petty about a bazillion years ago. THAT was an awesome weekend.
-----------------
Tom Petty - Feel A Whole Lot Better Lyrics

The reason why, oh I can't say
I have to let you go babe, and right away
After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone

Baby for a long time you had me believe
That your love was all mine
And that's the way it would be
But I didn't know that you were puttin' me on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone

Now I gotta say that it's not like before
And I'm not gonna play your games anymore
After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole let better
When you're gone

thought-ages...

1. Went to the actual movie theatre for a movie yesterday - exciting! And the first thought that I had as I was waiting for the movie to start was that the women behind me was a serious bizzy bizzitch. Who - WHO - could ever think that a tuna fish sandwich was something kind or appropriate to share with fellow moviegoers? Seriously. And, yes, I did indeed turn around and give her the "What the eff?!?!?!" stare.

2. I'm ready for the next flower in the 'Garden of Hannah'...stay tuned. Just collecting the funds now. Maybe I should start a fundrasiing site! ;)

3. I might get another, smaller, just as meaningful tattoo in the interim. Yes, it's an addiction.

4. I finally, FINALLY have another professional goal. Sad that it took so long, but it's a biggun! In some ways, just as large a step as moving to NYC was for me - personally AND professionally. Again, stay tuned; the Universe and I are workin' on it.

5. Heading to NC this weekend for a wedding. YAY! Beach, old friends, old-ish friends, a wedding, beers, a margarita machine. But, even bigger for me, is that I'm NOT seeing Mr. Big. Time to let that one go...for real.

6. Life is really good these days. Quiet, uneventful, but 'easy' in the sense that there's no "real" tension or anger or the like. Life is good. But my dawgs would say that they're ready for Hershey to come back from vacay, please; they're bored.

7. I have way too many items of clothing...yet none that I want to get rid of. Yep, just did a bazillion loads of laundry and I looooooooathe folding clothes. Loooooooooooooathe!

8. I have wonderful friends. If there's one thing I've spent a lot of time thinking about lately is that I truly am surrounded by amazing people; I'm definitely blessed. I am SO thankful for the people in my life - the 'cream that's risen to the top'...that's how I think of you!

9. I'm going on vacation!!!! So, here comes the cowboy hat... And I'm NOT taking my laptop.

i'm SUCH a slacker...

...and, yes, i realize i do a helluva lot. HOWEVER. however, watching this documentary tonight made me realize that there are some seriously talented kids out there. seriously! i was sooooooooooooooo impressed. it's only a half hour long, so if you have HBO or On Demand, I highly recommend it.

i only hate it when the parents, a la America, become obsessed with competition and take the fun out of it for the kids. (no, not in the documentary, just a passing thought) and, yes, i am indeedy a documentary dork - LOVE them!

Yeah, yeah....I know.

So much going on. So busy. One roomie moving out, another moving in. Working vacations. Some relearning to stand on my own two feet. Some healing. Some mending of relationships. Loss of another. Some birthday celebrating (not mine!). Way too much work. A huge crush. Wonderful friends. A for-40 pact with a friend. Great dogs. Sweaty NYC days. Some socializing. Burgers at Arthur's. Park-hopping and excellent conversations. Meeting the neighbors in the wrong way. Haven't trained for Muddy Buddy

Karma. Life. I'll get back to you when I have time...

What are YOU doing on 07.07.07?

Are you gonna go to a concert? I am. Jealous? Well, you may be once you find out that a couple of my bestest galpals and I are heading to Live Earth.

Yep, we're heading to the ever-sexy Meadowlands for the concert...with concert goers-only access to the fair. We're too cool for school, kids! And all the thanks go to Ms. A-dawg for makin' it happen!

Stay tuned for stories - 'cuz yes, there are always stories when it's us gals - and pictures...A-dawg's a picture fiend!

smooches,
h

Soundtracks?

For reasons I can't divulge (nothing super secretive, it's just a surprise), I've been thinking what songs I'd want played on the Soundtrack of My Life. I'm still working on the list, so I'll let you know when it's 'finished,' but I wondered what would be on YOURS?

What 12-15 songs best represent who you are, anchor memories of your life, or would you want people to hear and think of you? Lemme know...

My addiction.

I've figured it out - books. I'm addicted to books. I could start my own library. Seriously...anyone need to borrow anything? And so many of my OWN books I've not read yet. So now I have to.

Although I also want to start a book group where we reread all of the 'childhood classics' we grew up with: all the Ramona books, 'Are You There God? It's me, Margaret,' everything by Judy Blume...and the like. Anyone in?

Top 5 - girlie movies

Yes, the wondrous Chick Flick. I took myself on a tangent the other night and started thinking about my fave CFs (not to be confused with fave movies of all time; that's an entirely different list). I think I narrowed it down to:

1. Dirty Dancing
2. Breakfast Club
3. Sixteen Candles
4. Love Actually
5. Truly Madly Deeply

Yes, the first three are all from a particular era - the 80s. Gotta love anything revolving around the Brat Pack.

Gotta love the NYPD...

was on the train today and saw an NYPD Officer - named Bang. Officer Bang.

thoughts & musings...

1. i don't understand why people who have a seat on the subway get up a whole stop before they're actually getting off. typically, they'll go stand in the doorway, but WHY? it takes all of 2, maybe 3, seconds to get out of your seat and exit the door. seriously.

2. WTF is up with the weather? a nor'easter in MID-APRIL??? seriously.

3. i get to go work with a celeb dog next week...oh the fun my life provides!

4. i'm giving thought to where i should move next...i'm starting to feel the itch, so i'm exploring the idea of backtracking AND going somewhere i've always liked. the only glitch with the new spot is that it's landlocked - and that's not always good for me.

5. someone jumped off the empire state building this evening. happy friday the 13th. seriously.

6. i would love to have an occasion to buy and wear a fancypants evening gown, a REAL one with a REAL hoity toity label, not a faux or a copy. how fun would THAT be?!

7. you can take the girl outta the big events, but not the Caboose outta the girl. yep, even after my ass-over-tea-kettle spill in NC a coupla years ago, i'm still being entrusted to be the Caboose (last gal on the road for those that aren't "in the know") for an upcoming event. ha!

8. friday nights used to made for going out after work, lookin' cute, sippin' on cocktails, hangin' with friends, and - hopefully - makin' out. these days, my friday nights are made for hangin' with my dawgs and going to bed early because i've got a waaaaaaaay early call time the next day. seriously...i have to be out at CONEY EFFIN' ISLAND at 5:30am tomorrow. who wants to be me?!

9. i started running again. after a half-my-life hiatus...and it wasn't quite as horrendous as i thought. don't get me wrong: it was baa-haaaad, not ugly, but not horrific. i may even do it again someday soon.

It takes a village to raise a Hannah

Yep, 'tis true. I was thinking about this recently: NY is really a village. All of my different walks of life - from volunteer asides, to professional connections, to freelancing networks - somehow I always stumble across someone-who-knows-someone. Surprising? It was to me...at first.

See, I moved up here from 8 years in the Carolinas (both of 'em) where I either knew everyone (one of the reasons I was ready to leave Raleigh) or no one (one of the reasons I was ready to leave Greenville). Of course, there were many, many reasons why I chose to leave both large towns, but compared to NYC, they were both very definitely literal villages.

NYC is scary to folk. My sister put off coming here for ages, even when she was living in Boston and Vermont, because her mental image of NYC was unfriendly, intimidating skyscrapers. True, they exist, but who lives in Midtown? Well, you have to be a 'local yokel' to understand that, no? When she came to visit me several years ago, one of her comments was how livable NYC really is. And it is. There ARE literal villages and wonderful communities within the monstrous city at-large. (and this was back when I barely knew the city myself, so imagine what her experience could be NOW)

In my 4 years of being here, I've collected a wonderful assortment of friends, colleagues, and contemporaries. What I'm finding whenever I try to branch out, do something new, exciting, and/or different, I'm connected. Surprising. Why? Well, I guess there's a part of me that thought NYC was unfriendly and intimidating, too. But it's not...and I LOVE my 'Six Degrees of Separation' life!!

Who knew?!

Adventure women RULE!

I stumbled across a website a year or so ago that keeps me posted as to what 'adventure women' are doing out there and how they're vacationing. (vacation?!?!? what's that?) What is an 'adventure woman'? Glad you asked....

According to their wonderfully redesigned website, a 'typical' Adventure Woman is:

"35-65 years old. She's quite satisfied with her life and successful in her current job or situation. Most of our guests are traveling alone, some for the first time. But, many also share the experience with friends, mothers, daughters, or sisters. The majority of women who travel with us are or have been married and have between one and three children. AdventureWomen are confident about how they look and feel, and make an effort to stay in good physical condition. AdventureWomen come from all over the country and the world."

So, the vacation I want to take with them is this one. Horses have been coming up a LOT in my life lately, so I thought it was fortuitous, to say the least, that this opportunity stumbled - galloped? - into my inbox. I grew up riding with my Aunt & Uncle. One of my dog walkers wants to go galloping in the Poconos and asked if I'd like to join her. Even during a recent workshop, images of wild horses plunked themselves into my life.

Ok, Universe. I hear the message. Now I just need to manifest the money to be able to afford it. Travel FOR women, BY women. Challenging. An opportunity to grow and try something new - or revisit something old. Doncha wanna join me?

ink and more ink....

i'm gonna get more ink...for my freelancing 'anniversary' coming up in april. no, the garden's not growing. i AM going to give my lotus some roots, though. stay tuned for more info and maybe a pic or two once it's completed.

vroom, vroom goes my libido...

yep. my engine's a-revin'! i've been in a self-imposed dating hiatus for quite some time...but i think i'm comin' back. i must thank the beeeee-yoooootiful, chiseled gentleman who i chatted to on the bus last thursday night. yum. and yum.

yes, he lives in weehawken. and, yes, i did forget to give him my card. color me eejit!

Because I Said So...

How many of us haven't heard those words spewed forth from a parent's mouth? How many of us haven't spewed them in the name of parent(or nanny!)hood? Well, I went to see the Diane Keaton movie this weekend called 'Because I Said So.'

And?

Well, I liked it. Sure, it was super cliched and predictible, but it was cute. And schmaltzy - which is precisely what I needed. I wanted a feel-good love story and that sure is what I got. So, thank you, Hollywood - it was a wonderful Saturday afternoon well-spent...

I do recommend it - under the condition that you MUST be in the mood for lovey-dovey, 'chick' flick. Enjoy!

Top 5 - TV shows...

Because, yes, I'm a TV whore these days. It's cold, I'm bone-tired, and feel like being a slug. HOWEVER, I did fly through the reading of a book (Kite Runner, if you must know), so I haven't completely brain dead. Oh, yeah, I worked a bunch, too. And had a massage. Bi-zeee weekend, eh?

Top 5 TV shows
1. Law & Order - the original and only because of Jesse L.
2. Miami Ink - yes, this show, too, also for a boy (mostly)...but also because of the ink. Yum!
3. Extreme Home Makeover - for SO many reasons. This week, it's because of a (handsome) big, ol' Marine who's reduced to grateful, happy man...and cries! I love heroes.
4. 60 Minutes - my Sunday night 'date' with myself for several years now.
5. It's a tie: Grey's Anatomy (like the rest of the world) and Brothers & Sisters...I just think Sally Field rocks. And the guys that play her sons? Purrrr!

Heh. So, really, I mostly watch TV for the male eye-candy...guess I'm not nearly as romantically-hiatused as I thought, huh?

random, but wonderful

who knew that Staples was such a cool company? check this out. AND the 'free delivery' offer is typically only for $50-worth of goods, but i ordered only $30-worth of recycled goods and my delivery was free.

in our 'inconvenient truth'-ed world, it's nice to know that there ARE ways that we can all try to give back to Mother Nature while we're also keeping our businesses running...it's even nicer (such a crap word for such do-gooding) that there are businesses out there that 'get it.'

please support staples...and other companies like it. (just wait til seventh generation REALLY gets goin'!)

ramblings of a tired blonde...

1. finding religion in port authority? is it the new year? are all the various religous you-really-should-convert folks out in force? or is it just me? 'cuz they've swarmed the good ol' PA...seriously. everywhere. of all different denominations. please, make them go away - i just want to commute in peace.

2. 'freelancer' is just another word for round-the-clock-worker.

3. i might not be quite as ready to be a parent as i thought i might be. which i find hilarious because i STILL have people in my life who find it amazing that i even WANT to be a mom some day...much less an 'old-fashioned' stay-at-home mom. (yes, crawford, i mean you.)

4. i want to live in manhattan starting in 2007.

5. i still want more tattoos.

6. i truly have lost a pants size in the last calendar year.

7. you can indeed teach an old dawg new tricks - just ask the kali gal...we're working on 'wave.'

8. i'm in love with this book and am flying through it. it resonates on SO many levels! pick it up!!!

9. orange is a powerful color for me. i thought i started wearing orange - a color that used to make me rather uncomfortable for YEARS - very recently, as in only when i bought a BRIGHT orange pair of 'khakis.' and then it hit me: it's been creepin' in for years and i never even realized. (anyone who's ever read or learned anything about color therapy will know what i mean...)

...and a PS - i'm going to start keeping a gratitude journal. thanks, ms. oprah, for reminding me.

interesting manifestation...

so, i saw russell simons today in soho. he was talking on the phone, standing on a stoop...random and very new york. and why is this of interest? well, oddly, he's crossed my thoughts a couple of times in the last few weeks. why? i thought i saw him once a while back, i saw his wife somewhere, and, apparently, i manifested him.

crazy, eh? my list of celeb sightings continues to grow...

i'm going straight to (sneaker) hell...

i'm a hypocrite. totally, utterly, completely a hypocrite. see, i used to work in the 'training' bidness - training folks to walk long distances. said training would inlcude helping them prepare gear-wise...starting from the ground up. literally.

we'd start with the sneakers: properly fitted ones recommended for each individual and their walking style by a knowledgeable third party. we'd recommend buying at least a couple pairs as even a 'good' pair of sneakers will only last for about 300-500 miles - the equivalent of 3-6 months worth of training.

so...get this, i have a fave pair of sneakers - go new balance! and i won't even begin to HINT how old they are. seriously. but i looked at them today, really looked at them and realized that, um, well, they're WELL PAST their worn by date. and i'm a hypocrite. why? because i should have thrown them out ages ago - there's NO support in them any more. and i can't. i. just. can't. i love them.

...but i'm going to go buy sneakers this week. i HAVE to! betcha they'll be new balance.

43 Things...

So, by now you've probably realized I'm a list-maker...I love them. One that I made for 2007 was based on something I read in my most recent Outside magazine (I know, I know...I'll shut up about it someday).

In a section called 'Help Yourself,' there's a blurb from the founder of 43 Things. I really, really like the idea of creating a list of the 43 things in life you are COMPELLED to do to fulfill your sense of self. No, not just things you'd like to get around to, or feel you 'need' to - but things that resonate at a guttural, instinctive level.

What does that include for me? Well, there's the simple ("simple" - ha!) things like finding a life partner and having babies. There's also going to an elephant orphanage in Africa for a substantial period of time. Hell, just going to Africa in GENERAL! It's a continent that's resonated with me since I was a wee lass...

So, go make your list of 43 things. Tailor it as necessary - life goals, 2007 goals, whatever...go forth and live your dreams!

I love this song!

My new crush - John Legend. AND he can croon! This song struck me as particularly poignant and, yes, it does remind me of someone:

Ordinary People
Girl I'm in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday

I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the way

I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby youuuu and I

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

The power of friends...

I have some truly wonderful friends. I hope they know how appreciated their presences are in my life! Some of my wonderpals and I got together for dinner on Friday night and I was reminded why it's fun to go out with folks you have much in common with, whose senses of goofball humor are in line with yours, and, well, sex talk.

I miss being able to dish the dirt and all the details and this was my hardiest group o'gals! 'Twas a fun night indeed and so terribly necessary - for ALL of us. Maybe one of these days I'll even be able to contribute to the dishing of the dirt again...but, then, I have to get back in the dating game, eh? Ick. Rethinking that one...

And stay tuned for another soiree extraordinaire for a Gaffinator Gal's birthday. We're talkin' hotels and sassy bar crawls...and that's just for starters!!

hot water bottles...

I was chatting with my mother this evening about all kinds of random things - my hectic schedule, my putting more thought into what i really 'want to do with my life,' and the like. The conversation turned to hot water bottles and how it's nearly imPOSSible to find one on this side of the pond that's covered and not just the solid rubber bottle. Sometimes we're just too British for our own good, right?!

My comment to my mom was that I didn't have just one hot water bottle, but two. She paused for a second, before asking where I managed to find them. I told her that I invested in them years ago - my four-legged hot water bottles. I made her laugh with my story snippets of how Maverick's head keeps my toes warm with his huge head thrown across my feet or breathing his warm, pumpkin-laced breath (they had some for dinner) on them. And how Kali waits 'til I'm all comfy and settled in, staring at me intent(se)ly, just waiting for the second I'll lift the corner and let her nose-dive in...and we'll sleep all curled up together, me on my side, her in the hollow between legs and belly.

Yes, as much as they've made me crazy at times and how I've had moments of wanting to be dog-free, my 'kids' do indeed mean the world to me. They're over-indulged and terrifcally spoiled, but then so was I by my wonder-parents. So, no, well-intentioned, indulgent 'parenting' is not something I see as a bad thing...I'm also good at boundary-setting. Well, mostly. ;)

SIDENOTES: I'll have to post about 'boundaries', aka rules, sometime. I was told this past weekend by a wonderful galpal that I like rules - a lot. Which is funny, because I never thought of myself as a rule-wanter/needer. I sure do appreciate boundaries; just never thought of them as "rules." Weird, right?
.

Top 5 - dog breeds...

I'm sure it'll surprise some of y'all, but Lydia and I were talking about dogs when we had brunch today. Yes, yes, it's true. Sometimes, I talk a lot about canines. Ha! Understatement, eh? Well, today we were talking about breeds, the potential breed ban a Queens Councilman is proposing, and breeds we love, like, dislike, etc.

Ok, ok, so it was really just ME saying that there were some breeds I just don't 'do.' Lydia's "that" girl that really does love all dogs, just finds some more difficult to work with than others and has preferences. Me? I just flat out don't like some breeds; I can be black and very white like that. True, I'm coming around to the smaller dogs, but, but, but...well, crap. I'm a liar. There are some dogs - small and breeds that I don't typically 'do' - that have snuck into my heart...oooo - I have my own type of heartworms.

On that note, here are my top 5 lists for this week - breeds I looooove and breeds I'm workin' on lovin':

LOOOOOOOVE:
1. Coonhounds
2. German Pointers - Short- and Wire-haired
3. Irish Wolfhounds
4. Dobermans
5. Great Danes

Working on lovin':
1. Beagles
2. Chihuahuas
3. Jack Russells
4. Italian Greyhounds - I'd break 'em
5. Anything that weighs in the single digits (seriously - is that really a dog?)

Gawd help whomever I grow up to marry and have kids with - 2- and 4-legged...he's gonna have to be a patient, patient man with a LOTTA room for dawgs in his heart!

Minor confession...

So, I haven't told anyone this out loud or in-person...but, um, I'm not so J-free as I was a couple weeks ago. In fact, as soon as I posted that, there was some communication the very next day. Yes, I jinxed it.

Color me guilty.

* And I'll know who's reading this if it comes up in conversation. ;)

randomly cool...

so, i noticed a snippet in my most recent copy of Outside magazine - and it was a blurb about G.O.A.T. Food. No, seriously! Apparently, it's a Muhammad Ali-inspired brand of snack foods - 'vitamin-packed' bars, gels & trail mixes - created to "take on the epidemic of over-weight Americans." The demographic is "increasingly pudgy young adults" and with names like Rumble and Jabs, I'm hoping that they taste as cool as they sound and look.

'cuz if there's anything that a whole heckuva lotta folks need, it's help eating in a healthy way...

my new boyfriend...

Ok, he isn't *exactly* my new boyfriend, but I sure wouldn't mind. Check him out! Who is he? Well, he's an outdoorsy, extreme adventure hottie mchottiepants with his own show on the History Channel all about archaeology. Yes, indeedy, he's the 'perfect' mix of dark'n'handsome (to make nice with mom), outdoorsy (for me!!!), and history buff (dear gawd, my father would LOVE that!).

Here's his show...go watch it! Here's his profile on the B.O.S.S. website - doncha just LOVE him?!?!

Christmas traditions - old and new!

New - So, I did something unexpected last night. Something that most of the folks that 'know me' will find out of character. Yes, I did. I went to church.

You read that correctly - I, Hannah R.A.A., of sound body, mind, heart & soul went to church. Totally, utterly of my own choosing. No wedding. No funeral. No family outing. Solamente me.

And *why* did I go? Well, I've decided that Christmas Eve will be my new New Year's Eve and I'm going to start a new tradition. Rather than use January 1st as the ONLY day to get crackin' on all those resolutions - wise and otherwise! - I'm going to start on the Eve of Christmas and keep on through New Year's.

To celebrate the kick off of my own personal life feng shui-ing, I'm going to church-hop throughout Manhattan...each year, I want to choose a new church, new type of service, new purtiness to try out. No, I'm not really looking for the 'religion' part...but there definitely is something to be said for tradition and I'm looking to start some of my own.

And get this - I dove right in...this year, I chose St. Bart's (gorgeous church!) without even realizing that it's Catholic. (No, I didn't take communion!!!) Go me, eh?

So, just when I thought I knew all aspects of myself, I actually surprised myself...and went to church! Whod'a thunk?!?!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

'Old' - Well, it's not really "old", but it's older than me choosing to head to church...

Today, Peggy & I reprised our Christmas Day tradition of movie, a coupla drinks, then Papaya Hot Dogs. And YUM! It's actually one that I truly enjoy. Last year, we ended up eating hot dogs only 'cuz we had the Christmas/Channukah and Sunday double whammy and NOTHING was open. This year, it was by choice.

Good times, good flick, good peeps, great stories...and awesome tradition!

Another Top 5 list....

of fave mind-changing books. ok, so in some worlds they're called 'inspirational' and in others, they might be 'self-help'-ISH. in mine? well, they were thought-provoking and mind-opening.

1. Broken Open - Elizabeth Lesser
2. Journey of the Heart - John Welwood
3. Artist's Way - Julia Cameron
4. Just 'cuz I LOVE it!!
5. Hope for the Flowers - Trina Paulus

and yours?

ain't this the damned truth...

“Learn to create silence in your mind and peace will flourish in your heart. Don't overthink and the answer will present itself to you.”

this only reinforces several conversations i had with my wonderous friend, kinkly la rouge (aka R), this summer - voice to the universe that there's something you want to talk about...and, lo & behold, the universe provides the space. or the answer.

being willing to LISTEN is the key. or. maybe. it's just creating silence. THAT i have a hard time creating...quiet in my life is amazing. it's in the MIND that it's difficult.

thoughts? (get it? get the pun??? i'm punny...)

it's gonna be epic!

so, i've got this friend. her name's alice. and she's a sassy, livin' life large redhead. and she tells me that the next 14 months are gonna be EPIC. E-P-I-C!

why 14 months? because who wants to limit themselves to just a year?
and why epic? why the fuck not?!?!??!
HOW epic? well...you'll just have to watch, wait & see.

yes, we will have stipulations for epic-ism. they'll include:

- living life LARGE, all the time. (it is about appreciating every moment, no?)
- going somewhere, destination as yet undetermined, that includes a MINIMUM of 5 hours of travel time (cars allowed, plane preferred according to ms. sassypants)
- a fireman. per girl, not shared. rather, AT LEAST one fireman...
- swing dancing
- ...not sure what else. this is part of 'epic' - letting it all unfold, but knowing it's gonna be huge. Huuuuuuuuuge! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE!!!!

arncha 'cited? i am...because i feel it, too. i just need to get outta december to really be 'ready'!

here's to '07...

just a quick count...

6 days totally J-free...just sayin'. keep on keepin' on!

smooth'n'groovy....

my top 5 smooth, singin' men...they could croon to me ANY time!

1. John Legend
2. Maxwell
3. Lenny Kravitz
4. Jonny Lang
5. Michael Buble

alternates - jesse l. martin (he's not really a 'singer' but the man can siiiiiiiiing) and chris isaak (i've always had a thing for him!)

there's something about a man singin' to you as you're falling asleep...or cooking breakfast...or in the shower, together.

the weather gods are crazy...

seriously! what's going on with this weather?? it's also wreaking havoc on our environment. i was walking with one of my clients, snowy (yes, she's a white dog - shepherd mix), and while she was stalking squirrels, i happened to look up at a nearby tree. and get this - there were BUDS on the tree!!! the weather has been so warm, the tree thought it was spring...

that's just WRONG! is this global warming? poor tree.

emotionally overwhelmed...

i'm suffering from emotional upheaval. i can honestly say that i've revolved through more emotions in the last couple of weeks than i think i EVER have in such a short period of time...i've also shed many more tears than 'normal.'

this shite sucks.

there are VERY valid reasons my family nickname is 'stoic hannah' and i'm the one who gets to drive family and friends to the airport. i'm a whirlwind of piss and vinegar when i'm angry: i burn as brilliantly as magnesium, but the spark is quickly lost...and i get the hell over 'it.' i have been known to pride myself on being more on the 'up' side o'life than the dramatic and/or wallowing in darker emotions. so, it's not too suprising that i haven't dealt well with my little internal rollercoaster. yes, yes, i do realize that's a gross understatement...and i will be eternally grateful for the patience, love, and kindness those i can truly label 'friend' have shown. [working on some thoughts about peeling back the layers of friendship and being able to believe in those that ARE true friends, so more on this train of thought forthcoming...]

the last couple of weeks have truly blown...HOWEVER (comma) the biggest reason i've been on such an overload of emotions has proven itself false and i don't have to worry about my girl going anywhere that involves rainbows and bridges, at least in the short-term.

[sidenote: who the EFF decided that animal 'heaven' would be called the "rainbow bridge"??? what a stoopid term...]

so, i've taken a deep breath. i gave her tons of hugs and kisses and treats. i stopped wallowing in thoughts that included dealing with the [potential] loss of the longest relationship i've ever had, the dog that brought me to where i am in regards to dog training and guardianship, and how on earth that void could ever become smaller, much less be filled. i DIDN'T even bother to think about the other couple of life hiccups i had - they're just dumb boys and irresponsible women who played themselves off as 'friend.'

and i even smiled a couple of times. 'til i remembered that december always seems to suck for me post-birthday...especially last year.

eff. back to emotionally overwhelmed and having to work THROUGH it this year, notsomuch play the role of ostrich with head in sand.

denial works wonderfully. until it doesn't.

skinny pants...

waaaahoooooooo-ey! i just wanted to letchy'all know that i was in a decidedly 'red' mood today and wanted to wear a hoppin' scarlet pair of pants that i still have in my closet (even though i haven't actually *worn* them in a couple (few) years. so, i thought i'd at least T-R-Y them on...

AND THEY FIT! more than that, they were biiiiiiiiig...

yes, i've been on a gettin'-in-shape kick since i broke down and joined a gym for the first time in a 1/2 decade, but i've been an eensy bit slack of late - and eatin' like it's the holidays! however, the skinny red pants fit me, so i'm notsomuch worried.

Jim Webb (D-Va.) vs. Dubbya

one of my favorite magazines to peruse every week is, ironically, The Week. it's a wonderful synopsis, with various points of view woven into each article and/or snippet, of what's gone on world-wide in the last week. everything. it's great. truly and you should check it out!

it's always thought-provoking and i oftentimes hear myself saying something out loud (albeit under my breath-ish). this week's most "huh!" moment was a snippet about Jim Webb, the newly elected Democratic Senator, from Virginia - remember that part of the election?

well, apparently at the white House 'open house' last week, Webb not only ditched the reception line (brilliant!) so he wouldn't have to attempt ridiculous pleasantries with GWB, but he publically snubbed him, too. Webb's son is a Marine, serving in the 'War on Terror.' When Dubbya approached Webb - who's a decorated Vet himself - and asked, "How's your boy?" Webb shot back, "I'd like to get them out of Iraq, Mr. President."

whoo hooo. but it continues...

The Prez responded eloquently with, "That's not what I asked." and THIS TIME, Webb zinged back with, "That's between me and my boy."

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT. apparently, there were several articles about it - that's what i get for not reading newspapers or even watching the news this last week, and much debate about whether politesse is the 'correct' response because we should always defer to the higher ranking individual.

i call bullshit to that, though. why be polite if it's not really what you want to do? he avoided the original direct confrontation by jumping out of the reception line (i do that at weddings, too; i HATE reception lines), but Dubbya sought him out and assumed (ass + u + me) that Webb would defer to the Presidency. other articles call Webb a "boor" and "grossly offensive" - again, i call bullshit. doesn't anyone remember the adage 'if you don't have anything nice to say....'? Webb showed up at the reception out of duty, but avoided any type of interaction 'til cornerd by the bully.

the two other notable points that were made in the blurb were:

- "How refreshing, said [Eleanor] Clift [of Newsweek], to see 'a president who has so abused the symbols of war get his comeuppance from a battlefiel hero who personifies real toughness."
{amen sistahfriend!}

- "Bush and Webb may both be parents, but Webb's son is risking his life in Iraq while Bush's daughters were last seen drinking and partying in Argentina. Surely, we can forgive Webb for not making polite chitchat about his son's predicament with the one man who can do something about it. 'How's Jim Webb's boy? In danger."
{seriously. i LOVE this magazine.}

so...hie thee quickly to your local newsstand or to the website and subscribe!!!! and, no, it's not just the liberal, democratic point of view that i prefer; there's actually a wide range of opinions and vantage points. lovely...

to add on to the sit stay happenings...

so, this post is a cross-pollinator from my myspace page:

for the last few months, i've been working with and for my friend lydia and her dog training company, sit stay dog training. we were recently talking about adding new gear to the lineup...and had these created.

how cute?!?!?! yes, indeedy, that is my maverick. now i just need to get some made for kali-dawg...

the new part is this:

lydia and i are talking about having a SSDT blog, too, with all kinds of fun doggie-related stuff...from toys, to treats, to beds, to trainers, to 'relevant' issues, to ways that you, too, can help the animal world.

stay tuned!

like the lotus from the lotus seeds...

so, i haven't been posting here for eons. mostly because i've been playing over on my myspace profile...and out there living life. however, when life throws you lemons, i decide that writing is a viable outlet for my angst. (love that word 'angst')

most of y'all that know me well, or even peripherally, know that i've had a couple of crappy weeks. while life, in general, is getting 'better' and, yes, i'll *always* be ok, i'll be the first to admit that life just sucked for a while. i haven't cried that much in such a short time in AGES, if ever.

i even, for more than simply several moments, questioned whether taking the high road and making life decisions with my effin' "highest person" was where i should place my energy. you, oh lovely reader(s), will be ecstatic to know that my decision wasn't made in the heat of the proverbial moment and i came back into myself. i did relish the idea of just being a mean, angry, awful, bitchy, vengeful woman for a while; i even thought about that book 'why men love bitches' and toyed with the idea of truly living a life i've, until that point, seen as thoroughly unrewarding in this life and any that may follow.

and then i wore my lotus seeds. when i went to the good ol' M-of-I a few weeks ago, i went to one of my favoritest bookstores ever and bought a mala. i've wanted one for a while, so i went through all the ones available, but realized i was most drawn to the lotus seed. and why? no clue. however, because i don't believe in coincidence, i'm sure that the lovely universe was giving me a gift in advance.

see, the lotus is one of the most revered, powerful flowers in all of floral symbology. but, really, it's a glorified lillypad. seriously. out of the mire and muck of the depths of whatever type of freshwater lotus grow out of, grows this gorgeous specimen of flora. so, the lotus seed mala i 'happened upon' has served as a reminder that out of the shit comes beauty...and i remembered that this isn't the first - nor will it be the last - time that i'll have to encounter the shit that life tosses our respective directions.

the key is stopping the shit that's thrown your way before it hits the fan.


luckily, you're never given more shit to catch than the universe thinks you can handle. now, if only big picture perspective could be maintained while you're knee-deep in the stinky mire.

so, i have this theory...

there are several of y'all out there that i've discussed this theory with and, yes, it does deal with man hands - one of my faaaaaaavorite parts of a man's body!

i've had the pleasure - yes, literally - of dating several men with wonderful man hands. they're all encompassing, so that your hand almost feels teeny wrapped in his. granted, i have small, long-fingered, thin-boned hands, so there's not much that doesn't make them feel small...but i relish the feeling of a large, yet gentle hand holding mine.

man hands are also manly. i know that sounds redundant, but it really isn't - 'manly' means not manicured or bejeweled ('regular' rings are fine, but diamonds, and rubies, and sapphires?!? oh my!). 'manly' means tough and maybe a little bit rough - color me sucker for callouses, whether gym-induced or DIY-er. eons ago, i knew a wonderful man who was 'man' in so many ways...'cept his super soft, softer than my grandma's (and that's SOFT) hands. needless to say, i was icked out.

in the not-too-distant past, i looked down and realized that my little-ish hand was holding on to just one big, ol' finger of the meaty, man paw i was walking with down the street (no, it wasn't just a hand, sheesh). just a finger. and it fit. THAT is the kind of man hand i luuuuuuuuurve.

so, where is this going? my theory. the theory is that it's not JUST the fingers that say a lot about man meat (yes, you DO know what that means) size. rather, it's the man MITT - the palm - that says the most. if the [hopefully] 'perfectly-sized' (whatever that means to you) fingers are attached to a catcher's paw of a palm, chances are you're in for a man meat treat. if not, well, good luck.

next time you're out and about and see a meaty man hand, just think of me and my theory...seriously. i promise you won't be able to stop sneaking naughty glances and you'll probably have a coupla naughty thoughts, too. nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

and, yes, this is just a theory that i've strung together from my various real-life experiences... :-p

and so it goes...

and so it goes...
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Life

1. i found a new 'fave space' in nyc today...alice and i went exploring and it's a lovely quiet space amid the hubbub that is lower manhattan. i have a feeling i'll be frequenting it often - it suits the quiet space i'm in in life.

2. two weeks of no drinking. i know!! who AM i? no, there's no reason, no 'true' ulterior motive...i just don't want to right now.

3. i love the temperature of fall. typically, i don't like the idea of this particular season, but this year, i do. i'm in a very fall place - quiet, in flux, hugely introspective, little pieces of me are dying (and not in bad ways).

4. i couldn't tell you the last time i had a nightmare...it's been years. until last wednesday night, though. it was horrible. truly horrible. i still haven't made sense of it just yet. and i'm not sure that i'll like the answers i'll stumble into.

5. in addition to not drinking, i might join my galpal sasha and go on a 3 month 'men hiatus'...through thanksgiving. seriously. no, i haven't been dating. or even making out. but i have been allowing myself to not be 100% true to myself - my intuition, my wants, and the like. so, i think i need to sign some sort of 'nunnery' contract....anyone have one lying around???

6. BELIEVE YOU ME, when you give yourself space and permission to receive the answers, the Universe will indeed deliver. it might shock the shit outta you, cause your body to go into shock, but you certainly will draw the hardest line in the sand that you ever have. i gave myself space to sit on 'the razor's edge' with some really hard questions lately. gave myself permission to not have to hunt down the answer immediately....and guess what was given to me on a silver platter? you're right. the Universe came through. unfortunately, this wasn't the best news i've ever received...but the Universe reminded me that i haven't been listening.

well, i am now.

7. i hate it when i can't sleep and i really, really, really need to be work-productive tomorrow. i was house-productive today, so i won't have that excuse tomorrow. but i will be tired and groggy if i can't pass out soon. argh!

8. i'm done reading 'real' books for the rest of the week. bring on the chicklit - the candace bushnell or bergdorf blondes or sandra effin' brown!!!

9. i want more tattoos. not for the garden, but random, little(r) ones...meaningful in different ways.

ps i'm not gonna talk about it, but those of you 'in the know'...the j-free clock starts again today. what am i not gonna talk about? why it stopped counting *and* why it has to be restarted. please don't ask, just know that i KNOW i know better....

why are the ugliest things the most comfy?

must be in some random contemplative mood today, because all i keep thinking about is comfort. ;) and i find myself pondering why it's the fugly things in life that are simply the most comfortable.

like Birkenstocks. don't get me wrong, i've got several of my own pairs - that have lasted me looooong time!, but they're certainly not the most beautiful (or flattering) shoes.

or granny panties. there is NOTHING attractive about a good ol' pair o'grannies. slip 'em on, though, and automatically, a girl finds herself cradled and cocooned....ahhhhh. bliss! no, i'm not typically a granny panty wearer. in fact i loathe the word 'panty.' but sometimes, even i find myself in the need of cradling... go figure.

or that bra. you know the one. the one that you'll be wearing the first time you're about to hook up with That Guy Who Might Be The One and it's guaranteed that he'll think you're a prude (ok, well, maybe I am) because you're refusing to let him get anything close to 2nd base...yeah, that one. the one that is so effin' comfy, but you promised yourself another living soul would never, repeat NEVER see on or off of you, much less his living room floor.

and there's the requisite baggy sweats that you wear to get the paper, coffee, and an egg'n'cheese bagel on Sundays.

or the ex-boyfriend's deliciously broken-in denim shirt that you snuck out of his place when you went over for break-up 'ya know.'

or those thick wool socks that you just can't seem to toss...even though mom's darned them. twice.

have to admit, that's where my a-ponderin' got stuck. so, bloggers and readers, help me out. what else should go on the "dear gawd it's ugly, but laws i feel comfy" list?

and...go!

waddaya do?

...when you almost really Like someone? and all they do is throw roadblocks? do stay with your persistent self and hang in? do you decide to 'hear' what they're saying and run like hell?

should a gal even *want* the bone that could be thrown knowing it's not really there? probably not...but, wow, it'd be nice to know that you're hearing what's said. give. me. something. to. work. with. and a gal might-could (to use a southern-ism) hang in there...that's how much the Like is there.

but nothing is given...and that's even worse than silence. so much worse. 'cuz then, i just walk away...

anyone been in a situation like that before? or is that just dating on the east coast?

= funambulism...

word o'the day:

funambulism \fyoo-NAM-byuh-liz-um\ noun
1 : tightrope walking
*2 : a show especially of mental agility

love it!

is 'zaftig' ever a compliment?

Main Entry: zaf·tig
Pronunciation: 'zäf-tig, 'zof-Function: adjective
Etymology: Yiddish zaftik juicy, succulent, from zaft juice, sap, from Middle High German saf, saft, from Old High German saf -- more at SAPof a woman : having a full rounded figure : pleasingly plump

So, I was recently called 'zaftig' and, I must admit, I'm having issues...several of them, in fact. According to my friend Webster.com, the true definition is having a full figure. According to social lore, zaftig is the polite form of calling someone chubby.

Now, I know that I no longer have the low 19% body fat that I had at 16 or 17, but I really don't think of myself as chubby. I've got bosoms (again, we're being polite here, right?), a juicy hind end, and a buddah belly that's been around since forever - always had a slight belly even with hardly any fat. But does that make me chubby? 'Zaftig' rather... Are men I date "chubby chasers"???

I'm a lifelong athlete, dancer, and yoga-head. I'm truly struggling with seeing my body image as fat. grrrr. hisssss.

Thoughts? Those of you who know me...please be honest. I'm struggling here...

5 tips for women...

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

I know we've seen this circle us many a time...but when I got the email - again - this morning, it struck me as appropriate. How many men do *YOU* have? ;-)

Taking presents in a totally different direction...

I would also love, love, LOVE one of these as a present, too. Valentine's, birthday, Christmas stocking, 'just because'...whatever works. They're SO useful. And we use 'em all the time on-event (work).

I just want to be cool like the other Lot Kids.

Remember my ORIGINAL birthday party idea?

Lookit what someone sent me...how fun, fun, fun is this???? Anyone love me this much for Valentine's Day?

And, no, I'm not sorry I went with Burlesque instead. Each has their own time and place.

Growing old...watching silver turn to gold...

The days of listening to Sean Kelly and the Samples are long gone and so are silver rings. Right now, I'm wearing a gold ring. Not a typical 'Hannah' ring as gold isn't one of my "things." But it's a Grandma ring.

As my Grandma was in the final stages of her life, she spent some time deciding which rings of hers us gal cousins would be honored with. The one that was bequested to lil' ol' me was the sapphire...and, I have to admit, I really AM honored to wear it.

As estranged from parts of my family as I am/was, I also have an odd passion for my super immediate family...and value it incredibly highly. Family *IS* important. And, as silly as it sounds for ME to be saying it, I really love wearing this ring. It's not a rock; it's not something Melanya would be seen wearing, but there's sentiment. Knowing that she bequeathed it to me - all the rings to all 3 girls - as she was wheelchair-ridden in the final days of dealing with a hideous brain tumor and all her energy should have been spent living certainly softens the hardest of hearts...mine, too.

Wearing it, I remember the way she would toy with her rings. The seemingly absent-minded way she played with them...was she remembering the moment Grandpa gave them to her? Was it simply habit? Regardless, it reminds me of the love they shared - 54 years worth...til the very, very end.

Family's difficult, but so very, very worth it.

Re- or dis-?

A profundity occurred to me recently. Maybe I'm just slow...maybe it's occurred to many a folk and just not me. There are occasions in many a life, I would assume, that cause folks to stop and assess. Whether it's life in general or perhaps a single moment, there are moments that make one 'pause'...as an Ally McBeal follower might say.

In moments like this, do you, dear friend, re- or dis-? That would be reconnect vs. disconnect. In times that make you think on deeper levels, do you choose to further disconnect from life? Disconnect from life for the first time perhaps? Do you choose to feed into being a 'victim' or blam others for whatever your current state of discontent may be?

Or...do you choose to reconnect? Does a period of contemplation make you realize that you do have so much MORE life to live? Do you remember that regardless of how full and well-rounded your life may be that there really is more?

I'm in that moment. I made a choice at 15 that I was never going to be a victim; that I was never going to let 'him' win. Why would I begin now, 15 years later? I choose to reconnect. To remember to not get caught up in the minutia of bullshit that can present itself in the process of daily living. To stay out of my head and to reconnect to my heart. Why stray from instinct?

My promise to myself - there's more...why wait for someone to present it to me. I'm gonna go find it myself.

I know there's life out there to be lived and *I* want to live it. Don't you?