That blasted thing called family!

So...family. I have an interesting mix of wonderful and hideous 'parts' of my family - maternal and paternal. No, I don't think I stand alone; I think most families are just as wild and weird as mine...I can simply speak to my experience. Difficult to understand, deal with, but yet you typically love them regardless even if you didn't get to 'choose' them per se. (Reincarnation is a whole different tangent.)

Some parts of family you love more than others. Sometimes there are snippets that are too awful too remember...and sometimes there are parts too precious to forget. And sometimes a gal gets sideswiped and hit by a mack truck of emotion at an entirely random moment by a memory that wasn't even what one would call a 'memory'...it was more of an emotional anchor.

As much as I'm an integral part of my family, I've been an outsider for most of my adult life...showing up here and there, but mostly for the happy (weddings) and hideous (memorial services) times that create spontaneous family reunions. I see snapshots from family gatherings that I missed - some impromptu, some planned, one because of a blackout - and I run the emotional gamut. Part of my very being vibrates with the sadness of not being included...but I also recognize that that's all part of the path I chose to take years ago. And I know that changing any of those choices would have made me a very different woman - and, yes, that's another tale for another time...

A few years ago, I was blessed to be a part of the final days of my aunt, Dani, my mom's oldest sister. No death is particularly pleasant, but hers was truly unjust...yet she maintained her spirit til the end - I'll never forget when I asked if there was anything she wanted and she asked for a gin and tonic. I had to laugh because I was expecting "water" or "pain meds".

Fast forward to just the other day...and the iPod Gods. Shortly after I came back from the week I spent at hospice I downloaded the Anne Murray's greatest hits CD; Dani wanted to listen to it non-stop and I now knew all the words that i hadn't before (sadly, I'm cheesy enough where I already knew more than I'd expected!) So, I was sitting on the bus and, even though I've listened to the songs a bazillion times in the last few years, 'Snowbird' came on and I started crying. Automatically. No thought. The anchor was Dani...hospice...family...and I thought of all the good in her - her determination to get her driver's license, how she kept working knowing something 'bad' was happening to her, her conviction to keep our family connected after Grandma died, her seriously soft skin, her wonderful laugh, the way she'd sit next to you and just stroke your hand or your arm or your hair.

And I gave myself permission to miss her. I guess I hadn't done that yet...too determined to keep moving forward, typical of 'Stoic Hannah'! And miss her I do. In a way, not going 'home' to Michigan allows me to (yes, rather warped) believe that nothing's changed:

Grandpa's still tickling Grandma's toes as she's flirting with everyone and they dance in the kitchen smiling at each other. Uncle Dave's still got a horse farm and a Great Dane named Sadie with pigs in the sties. Jingles, Duh-lee, and I are still torturing poor baby Cole while falling for all Uncle Dave's pranks. Grandpa's still making fuzzy navels in the kitchen with the hideous carpet. The cardinals still land on the birdhouse outside the old dining room. Family still gathers on the breezeway...where Grandpa alternates between smoking a pipe and a cigar. Aunt Dani still tapes her hundreds of Shows (aka soaps) every week. The Girls still aren't allowed to watch MTV, so we play hours upon hours of Atari and solitaire and read Xaviera. The towels still smell musty. There's always something to eat - let's raid the basement! - and we'll forever be haunted by the Ghost of the Christmas Lamb. So many memories...

Sadly, I don't have a digital picture of Dani when she was alive and radiant...and there's no way I'll post any of the pictures from hospice - not only would my mother literally KILL me, but they're just too special and they make me feel damned raw.

As much as I've been a separatist, family is very, very, very important to me. I'm not always the best at letting them know they're special to me, but they are.

I *love* horrorscopes!

So, as I was mildly obsessing about kissing yesterday, my horoscope sitting in my inbox was this:

Now is the perfect time to spruce up your love life. Even if you've been partnered up for years now, your good energy is just right for rekindling that spark you both remember. If you're single, you won't be for long!

And...YAY! How fun is that?

As an aside - yesterday was simply an affirmation that things are indeed going the way the should AND I want them to. It's such a blessing to be granted a small kindness like that!

Makin' out like high schoolers...

So, as I sat in a park today and watched a man devour his female companion with kisses, it occurred to me:

I'm ready to date again.

Those that are 'in the know' know that there was someone and then a self-imposed hiatus while I got my "stuff" together. Well, apparently, said "stuff" IS together - 'cuz I'm ready to re-enter the dating pool. No, not in the way that I have dated - mom, stop reading now! - but in a more grown up way...as in, well, um, I'm less DEtached. Don't read that as I need to be ATtached to someone immediately. It simply means that I'm more available, less walls.

So, what do I want? For starters, some serious make out sessions. Serious. With the fervor that we all had in high school, but the knowledge and skill - heh - that I've gained along the way. And, yes, I may have had an opportunity or two along the way.

I want teasing and tantalizing. (Lots of it) Kisses and groping. (LOTS of it) I want to hit every single base, with major league emphasis on the first 3 so that said 'teasing and tantalizing' is seeeeeeeeriously drawn out. Naughtiness galore!

I want to go skinny dipping with a man I have every intention of devouring...and, oh yes, of being devoured. I want to sit in a park and have a man shower me with kisses all over those neck-related sweet spots. I would love to practice the art of lapdancing. And maybe striptease. And I could never forget the burlesque skills I've learned along the way - bump, grind, shimmy, shake, strut, and, oh yes, PRUH-SENT.

Yep. That's the gist of what I'd like. The specifics can be discussed in-person. If you have any ideas, lemme know. Not just what activities could be undertaken, but of, well, anyone who might be a willing and able-bodied partner in crime...at least willing to apply and be interviewed.

Let the games begin!

Two minutes and forty-nine seconds of what I'm thinking right now!

Again, with the iPod Gawds...shuffle brought me to Tom Petty's "Feel a Whole Lot Better" and it tooooooootally reminded me that I'm ok with a whole lotta of everything going on right now, but - BUT - it's directly applicable to making some healthy choices in the last week or so.

Thank you iPod Gawds & Mr, Petty!!

PS I always think of the concert Theisen, his buds, and I went to in Hotlanta to see Mr. Petty about a bazillion years ago. THAT was an awesome weekend.
-----------------
Tom Petty - Feel A Whole Lot Better Lyrics

The reason why, oh I can't say
I have to let you go babe, and right away
After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone

Baby for a long time you had me believe
That your love was all mine
And that's the way it would be
But I didn't know that you were puttin' me on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone

Now I gotta say that it's not like before
And I'm not gonna play your games anymore
After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole let better
When you're gone

thought-ages...

1. Went to the actual movie theatre for a movie yesterday - exciting! And the first thought that I had as I was waiting for the movie to start was that the women behind me was a serious bizzy bizzitch. Who - WHO - could ever think that a tuna fish sandwich was something kind or appropriate to share with fellow moviegoers? Seriously. And, yes, I did indeed turn around and give her the "What the eff?!?!?!" stare.

2. I'm ready for the next flower in the 'Garden of Hannah'...stay tuned. Just collecting the funds now. Maybe I should start a fundrasiing site! ;)

3. I might get another, smaller, just as meaningful tattoo in the interim. Yes, it's an addiction.

4. I finally, FINALLY have another professional goal. Sad that it took so long, but it's a biggun! In some ways, just as large a step as moving to NYC was for me - personally AND professionally. Again, stay tuned; the Universe and I are workin' on it.

5. Heading to NC this weekend for a wedding. YAY! Beach, old friends, old-ish friends, a wedding, beers, a margarita machine. But, even bigger for me, is that I'm NOT seeing Mr. Big. Time to let that one go...for real.

6. Life is really good these days. Quiet, uneventful, but 'easy' in the sense that there's no "real" tension or anger or the like. Life is good. But my dawgs would say that they're ready for Hershey to come back from vacay, please; they're bored.

7. I have way too many items of clothing...yet none that I want to get rid of. Yep, just did a bazillion loads of laundry and I looooooooathe folding clothes. Loooooooooooooathe!

8. I have wonderful friends. If there's one thing I've spent a lot of time thinking about lately is that I truly am surrounded by amazing people; I'm definitely blessed. I am SO thankful for the people in my life - the 'cream that's risen to the top'...that's how I think of you!

9. I'm going on vacation!!!! So, here comes the cowboy hat... And I'm NOT taking my laptop.

i'm SUCH a slacker...

...and, yes, i realize i do a helluva lot. HOWEVER. however, watching this documentary tonight made me realize that there are some seriously talented kids out there. seriously! i was sooooooooooooooo impressed. it's only a half hour long, so if you have HBO or On Demand, I highly recommend it.

i only hate it when the parents, a la America, become obsessed with competition and take the fun out of it for the kids. (no, not in the documentary, just a passing thought) and, yes, i am indeedy a documentary dork - LOVE them!

Yeah, yeah....I know.

So much going on. So busy. One roomie moving out, another moving in. Working vacations. Some relearning to stand on my own two feet. Some healing. Some mending of relationships. Loss of another. Some birthday celebrating (not mine!). Way too much work. A huge crush. Wonderful friends. A for-40 pact with a friend. Great dogs. Sweaty NYC days. Some socializing. Burgers at Arthur's. Park-hopping and excellent conversations. Meeting the neighbors in the wrong way. Haven't trained for Muddy Buddy

Karma. Life. I'll get back to you when I have time...

What are YOU doing on 07.07.07?

Are you gonna go to a concert? I am. Jealous? Well, you may be once you find out that a couple of my bestest galpals and I are heading to Live Earth.

Yep, we're heading to the ever-sexy Meadowlands for the concert...with concert goers-only access to the fair. We're too cool for school, kids! And all the thanks go to Ms. A-dawg for makin' it happen!

Stay tuned for stories - 'cuz yes, there are always stories when it's us gals - and pictures...A-dawg's a picture fiend!

smooches,
h

Soundtracks?

For reasons I can't divulge (nothing super secretive, it's just a surprise), I've been thinking what songs I'd want played on the Soundtrack of My Life. I'm still working on the list, so I'll let you know when it's 'finished,' but I wondered what would be on YOURS?

What 12-15 songs best represent who you are, anchor memories of your life, or would you want people to hear and think of you? Lemme know...

My addiction.

I've figured it out - books. I'm addicted to books. I could start my own library. Seriously...anyone need to borrow anything? And so many of my OWN books I've not read yet. So now I have to.

Although I also want to start a book group where we reread all of the 'childhood classics' we grew up with: all the Ramona books, 'Are You There God? It's me, Margaret,' everything by Judy Blume...and the like. Anyone in?

Top 5 - girlie movies

Yes, the wondrous Chick Flick. I took myself on a tangent the other night and started thinking about my fave CFs (not to be confused with fave movies of all time; that's an entirely different list). I think I narrowed it down to:

1. Dirty Dancing
2. Breakfast Club
3. Sixteen Candles
4. Love Actually
5. Truly Madly Deeply

Yes, the first three are all from a particular era - the 80s. Gotta love anything revolving around the Brat Pack.

Gotta love the NYPD...

was on the train today and saw an NYPD Officer - named Bang. Officer Bang.

thoughts & musings...

1. i don't understand why people who have a seat on the subway get up a whole stop before they're actually getting off. typically, they'll go stand in the doorway, but WHY? it takes all of 2, maybe 3, seconds to get out of your seat and exit the door. seriously.

2. WTF is up with the weather? a nor'easter in MID-APRIL??? seriously.

3. i get to go work with a celeb dog next week...oh the fun my life provides!

4. i'm giving thought to where i should move next...i'm starting to feel the itch, so i'm exploring the idea of backtracking AND going somewhere i've always liked. the only glitch with the new spot is that it's landlocked - and that's not always good for me.

5. someone jumped off the empire state building this evening. happy friday the 13th. seriously.

6. i would love to have an occasion to buy and wear a fancypants evening gown, a REAL one with a REAL hoity toity label, not a faux or a copy. how fun would THAT be?!

7. you can take the girl outta the big events, but not the Caboose outta the girl. yep, even after my ass-over-tea-kettle spill in NC a coupla years ago, i'm still being entrusted to be the Caboose (last gal on the road for those that aren't "in the know") for an upcoming event. ha!

8. friday nights used to made for going out after work, lookin' cute, sippin' on cocktails, hangin' with friends, and - hopefully - makin' out. these days, my friday nights are made for hangin' with my dawgs and going to bed early because i've got a waaaaaaaay early call time the next day. seriously...i have to be out at CONEY EFFIN' ISLAND at 5:30am tomorrow. who wants to be me?!

9. i started running again. after a half-my-life hiatus...and it wasn't quite as horrendous as i thought. don't get me wrong: it was baa-haaaad, not ugly, but not horrific. i may even do it again someday soon.

It takes a village to raise a Hannah

Yep, 'tis true. I was thinking about this recently: NY is really a village. All of my different walks of life - from volunteer asides, to professional connections, to freelancing networks - somehow I always stumble across someone-who-knows-someone. Surprising? It was to me...at first.

See, I moved up here from 8 years in the Carolinas (both of 'em) where I either knew everyone (one of the reasons I was ready to leave Raleigh) or no one (one of the reasons I was ready to leave Greenville). Of course, there were many, many reasons why I chose to leave both large towns, but compared to NYC, they were both very definitely literal villages.

NYC is scary to folk. My sister put off coming here for ages, even when she was living in Boston and Vermont, because her mental image of NYC was unfriendly, intimidating skyscrapers. True, they exist, but who lives in Midtown? Well, you have to be a 'local yokel' to understand that, no? When she came to visit me several years ago, one of her comments was how livable NYC really is. And it is. There ARE literal villages and wonderful communities within the monstrous city at-large. (and this was back when I barely knew the city myself, so imagine what her experience could be NOW)

In my 4 years of being here, I've collected a wonderful assortment of friends, colleagues, and contemporaries. What I'm finding whenever I try to branch out, do something new, exciting, and/or different, I'm connected. Surprising. Why? Well, I guess there's a part of me that thought NYC was unfriendly and intimidating, too. But it's not...and I LOVE my 'Six Degrees of Separation' life!!

Who knew?!

Adventure women RULE!

I stumbled across a website a year or so ago that keeps me posted as to what 'adventure women' are doing out there and how they're vacationing. (vacation?!?!? what's that?) What is an 'adventure woman'? Glad you asked....

According to their wonderfully redesigned website, a 'typical' Adventure Woman is:

"35-65 years old. She's quite satisfied with her life and successful in her current job or situation. Most of our guests are traveling alone, some for the first time. But, many also share the experience with friends, mothers, daughters, or sisters. The majority of women who travel with us are or have been married and have between one and three children. AdventureWomen are confident about how they look and feel, and make an effort to stay in good physical condition. AdventureWomen come from all over the country and the world."

So, the vacation I want to take with them is this one. Horses have been coming up a LOT in my life lately, so I thought it was fortuitous, to say the least, that this opportunity stumbled - galloped? - into my inbox. I grew up riding with my Aunt & Uncle. One of my dog walkers wants to go galloping in the Poconos and asked if I'd like to join her. Even during a recent workshop, images of wild horses plunked themselves into my life.

Ok, Universe. I hear the message. Now I just need to manifest the money to be able to afford it. Travel FOR women, BY women. Challenging. An opportunity to grow and try something new - or revisit something old. Doncha wanna join me?

ink and more ink....

i'm gonna get more ink...for my freelancing 'anniversary' coming up in april. no, the garden's not growing. i AM going to give my lotus some roots, though. stay tuned for more info and maybe a pic or two once it's completed.

vroom, vroom goes my libido...

yep. my engine's a-revin'! i've been in a self-imposed dating hiatus for quite some time...but i think i'm comin' back. i must thank the beeeee-yoooootiful, chiseled gentleman who i chatted to on the bus last thursday night. yum. and yum.

yes, he lives in weehawken. and, yes, i did forget to give him my card. color me eejit!

Because I Said So...

How many of us haven't heard those words spewed forth from a parent's mouth? How many of us haven't spewed them in the name of parent(or nanny!)hood? Well, I went to see the Diane Keaton movie this weekend called 'Because I Said So.'

And?

Well, I liked it. Sure, it was super cliched and predictible, but it was cute. And schmaltzy - which is precisely what I needed. I wanted a feel-good love story and that sure is what I got. So, thank you, Hollywood - it was a wonderful Saturday afternoon well-spent...

I do recommend it - under the condition that you MUST be in the mood for lovey-dovey, 'chick' flick. Enjoy!

Top 5 - TV shows...

Because, yes, I'm a TV whore these days. It's cold, I'm bone-tired, and feel like being a slug. HOWEVER, I did fly through the reading of a book (Kite Runner, if you must know), so I haven't completely brain dead. Oh, yeah, I worked a bunch, too. And had a massage. Bi-zeee weekend, eh?

Top 5 TV shows
1. Law & Order - the original and only because of Jesse L.
2. Miami Ink - yes, this show, too, also for a boy (mostly)...but also because of the ink. Yum!
3. Extreme Home Makeover - for SO many reasons. This week, it's because of a (handsome) big, ol' Marine who's reduced to grateful, happy man...and cries! I love heroes.
4. 60 Minutes - my Sunday night 'date' with myself for several years now.
5. It's a tie: Grey's Anatomy (like the rest of the world) and Brothers & Sisters...I just think Sally Field rocks. And the guys that play her sons? Purrrr!

Heh. So, really, I mostly watch TV for the male eye-candy...guess I'm not nearly as romantically-hiatused as I thought, huh?

random, but wonderful

who knew that Staples was such a cool company? check this out. AND the 'free delivery' offer is typically only for $50-worth of goods, but i ordered only $30-worth of recycled goods and my delivery was free.

in our 'inconvenient truth'-ed world, it's nice to know that there ARE ways that we can all try to give back to Mother Nature while we're also keeping our businesses running...it's even nicer (such a crap word for such do-gooding) that there are businesses out there that 'get it.'

please support staples...and other companies like it. (just wait til seventh generation REALLY gets goin'!)